Sage Advice for Troubled Times
Dear Maimonides,
My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, with no success. Finally, after countless attempts (and the chronic back pain that they produced), I am carrying a son who is due to be born within the month. My husband is very devout, and is convinced that if we don’t raise our son in exact accordance with the Torah, G-d will render me completely barren. What concerns me is that he has demanded that he perform the circumcision on our son himself. This is a man who can barely sign his name legibly. I simply don’t trust him to properly remove the foreskin of my firstborn. How can I convince him to hire a professional?
Rebecca
Ossining, New York
Dear Rebecca,
Your husband’s aspirations are admirable, but misguided. First, something that you (and all son-bearing Jewesses) should know: circumcision is a very sensitive subject to your husband. While you might equate this relatively simple and safe procedure with getting a cavity filled (painful, yes; but not that big of a deal), the mere thought of penile abbreviation stirs a maelstrom of emotion in the male mind. His notion of circumcision, his connection to his unborn son, his connection to his parents, his very Jewish identity all have been called into question over the past few months. He probably spends most of his time in the shower staring at his own privates and crying hysterically. His penis, which heretofore has probably been his favorite body part, is now a source of fear and confusion. In the eight days leading up to my first son’s circumcision, I had a recurring dream in which I was being chased by a mohel carrying a machete and a bloody chopping block that read, “Place Putz Here.”
The son you carry is Isaac to your husband’s Abraham. He is a promise that your husband will live on through the coming generations. But your Isaac cannot beget his Jacob and Esau without the very same organ that will be lacerated eight days after he leaves your womb. And this is driving your husband crazy.
Take him by the hand, and recount this Midrash: G-d was speaking to Abraham, and telling him the details of the Covenant. And G-d told him, “You must keep My Covenant; you and your offspring throughout their generations. This is My Covenant between Me and you and your offspring that you must keep: you shall be circumcised through the flesh of your foreskin,” After G-d had finished, there was an awkward silence.
“Uhh,” said Abraham. “I didn’t really hear that last one about my end of the bargain.”
So G-d repeated himself, laying out the details as described in the Torah. Again, there was silence.
“Uhh,” said Abraham. “You’re joking, right?”
G-d assured Abraham that He wasn’t.
“Uhh‚” said Abraham. “Couldn’t we just forget the whole cutting of the foreskin? It’s almost winter, and You know how cold it gets.”
But G-d would not relent. He told Abraham that it would serve as a lifelong mark upon the people Israel, reminding them that they are chosen.
“Uhh,” said Abraham. “I’m all for being marked as chosen, but this wasn’t really what I had in mind. How about matching socks?”
G-d told Abraham that it had to be circumcision because women already go through the pain of bearing a child, and He didn’t like to play favorites. It was at this point that Abraham realized there was no beating an omnipotent deity in an argument. He became very nervous and started hyperventilating.
“Ok, ok, just calm down,” spoke the Lord. “You don’t actually have to do the cutting yourself, ok? You don’t even have to look. Just make sure someone else does it. While you’re at it, make that his job.”
“But what kind of person could possibly ever want to cause a fellow human being pain, let alone professionally?”
And on that day, G-d created dentists.
Maimonides was born in Cordoba, Spain on March 30, 1135. He now lives on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Go figure.
