To their friends and neighbors, they’re a standard Orthodox Jewish couple, a man and a woman married for five years, two children in tow. Their marriage is a product of convenience rather than love, but that’s not unusual. Yet the particular reason for their union is unique: the man is gay, and the woman is lesbian. Their marriage owes its genesis to Areleh Harel, an Orthodox rabbi and teacher at the Elon Moreh Yeshiva on the West Bank. Over the past six years, he has matched thirteen Orthodox gay and lesbian individuals – man to woman – for marriage. For Rabbi Harel it is a simple solution to a more complex problem: these are men and women who are attracted to people of the same sex, yet desire to remain in good standing with their communities by acquiring the familiar trappings of Orthodox adulthood – a traditionally defined family, of one man and one woman.
According to an exposé by Time, Rabbi Harel has been quietly pairing gay and lesbian individuals for years. It was not until this past spring when he mentioned his pet project at a Jerusalem-based panel on lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) rights, that others became aware of it. Not surprisingly, he has met strong criticism from both fronts. Pro-LGBT organizations have condemned his pairings as disingenuous, leading to loveless – perhaps unfaithful – marriages. On the other hand, a number of his Orthodox peers believe that Rabbi Harel should do more to discourage their attraction to people of the same sex. Speaking to the Associated Press, Rabbi Shlomo Aviner – who practices from the West Bank settlement Beit El – warned that provided alternatives, gay and lesbian individuals would not attempt to change. “When people hear voices that say you won’t succeed,” he explained, “They think, ‘Why bother trying?’” Rabbi Aviner and his associates look to the controversial practice of “reparative” therapy, which claims that homosexuality can be “cured” through counseling, medication and aversion treatments. However, prominent health organizations such as the American Psychological Association have questioned the efficacy of “reparative” therapy, citing evidence that its methods can cause lasting negative psychological effects. Although Rabbi Harel believes that many men and woman can change their sexual attraction, he concedes that some individuals cannot – hence the necessity of pairing the men and women who continue to desire a traditional Orthodox marriage despite their homosexuality. “This is the best solution we can offer people who want to live within halakhah,” Rabbi Harel explained to Time. “This may not be a perfect solution, but it’s kind of a solution.”
After his project went public, Rabbi Harel found an increased demand for his services – Orthodox gay and lesbian individuals across Israel were calling him, asking to for help finding a spouse. He revealed plans to launch an online matchmaking service – Anachnu, Hebrew for “We” – at the end of this year. Its staff will include five professional matchmakers, all heterosexual. Rabbi Harel will oversee operations as a consultant, although he has stressed his participation with the project will be largely hands-off. Membership for the site will be $42; if successfully paired, the bride and groom will pay $430 each.
When Rabbi Harel began pairing gay and lesbian couples in 2005 there were no LGBT Orthodox organizations in Israel. Currently there are five, including one that is working closely with Rabbi Harel to promote his matchmaking service. Kamoha – Hebrew for “Like Us” – announced its intent to host a link to Anachnu. The founder of Kamoha, a closeted Orthodox man who has adopted the pseudonym Amit, explained the reasoning behind their decision to support Rabbi Harel. Although many gay and lesbian individuals want total acceptance within the Orthodox community, there are some whose desire for a quiet, normative lifestyle outweighs their sexual attraction. “We’re not pushing this on people,” explained Amit to Time. “This is for people who want this because Jewish law says this is the normal way and because it’s the easiest way to have children.” In an interview with the Jewish Chronicle, he emphasized that these arrangements also keep involved parties honest. “Instead of marrying a woman and not telling her, all the cards are on the table,” he said. As for himself, Amit explained that he has not desire to utilize Anachnu; after many years of therapy, he came to the conclusion that he is “100% gay.”
However, not all LGBT Orthodox groups are comfortable with the implicit support that Kamoha has lended Rabbi Harel. Daniel Jonas, a gay Orthodox man living in Jerusalem and spokesperson for the pro-LGBT organization Havruta, explained that the matchmaking service will lead to unhealthy relationships. “I am not the one to judge, but if you ask me what a family is, it’s about caring, loving, and sharing,” Jonas told Time. “This kind of technical relationship, it is not based on love, and I do believe that if the parents don’t love each other, the kids will feel it. It’s not healthy for the kids or for their parents to live like this.” Jonas also expressed concern that these arrangements were another attempt to marginalize the Israeli LGBT community. “They are saying, ‘Changing them isn’t possible, but how else can we hide their existence? If we can’t fix them then let’s set them up with lesbians,’” he explained to the Associated Press. Due to the fact that there is no civil marriage in Israel – all pairings are approved by the rabbinate, which is largely Orthodox – the prospect of legalized same-sex unions is a small hope, at best.
Further concerns have been raised about the fidelity of these marriages; if there is no sexual attraction within these pairings, what is to keep them from seeking fulfillment outside their spouse. This a problem that Rabbi Harel acknowledges and addresses with the potential gay and lesbian couples. Speaking to the Associated Press, Rabbi Harel pointed to his belief that having children will provide a substantial foundation for the pairing to build a genuine relationship. “Their love is based on parenthood,” Rabbi Harel said. “Parenthood is the glue and it’s strong.”
Even then, the strength of these relationships is difficult to judge or predict. In an interview with one of the men paired by Rabbi Harel – who chose the pseudonym Josh – Time revealed that the presence of children is not a foolproof safeguard against infidelity. Josh, a 30 year-old Orthodox gay man, admitted to cheating on his wife at least three times over the three years of their marriage – most recently in February of this year. They have an 11-month-old son. “I haven’t told my wife, but I think she knows,” Josh said. “She can see it in my face when I come home.” Yet he explains that their mutual struggle with same sex attraction has provided space for an intimate, if unorthodox, partnership. “But she gives me space,” Josh concluded. “I really love her because she understands me.”
An earlier version of this post appeared at InTheMoment.
Steven Philp is a graduate student at the University of Chicago, studying for a Master of Divinity in Jewish Studies and a Master of Social Work. When not in the classroom he works for spiritual life, promoting dialogue and cooperation between different student-run faith-based organizations. Steven also volunteers with Mishkan, a progressive, spirited Jewish community in Chicago. His column, Klal Yisrael, appears here on alternating Sundays.
