BREAKING NEWS: United States Ambassador to Israel Nominee Mike Huckabee revealed during his confirmation hearing that he’s undergone an adult circumcision. When asked what qualified the former Governor of Arkansas to serve the position, he stated “As Ambassador, my priority is to reinstate Judeo-Christian values across the holy land. To do that, I must align myself with the Jewish nation in mind, body, and soul. That means correcting my foreskin in the image of God.”
The Evangelical then unbuckled his pants and zipped down his crotch, simultaneously claiming he wanted to submit his penis as evidence to the Committee on Foreign Relations. Senators Steve Daines (MT) and John Curtis (UT) grabbed Huckabee’s arms and removed him from the chamber before he could commit an act of public indecency. As Huckabee was dragged away he screamed “now I understand how the hostages felt on October 7th. In the name of our lord and savior Jesus Christ I say: Am Israel Chai.”
Although there’s no proof that Huckabee has ever set foot in a synagogue, he’s a passionate defender of the state of Israel. On public record he’s rejected the existence of a Palestinian state and people, denounced the existence of the West Bank, and condoned settlements illegal under international law. He’s also the author of “A Kid’s Guide to Israel”, a Christian Zionist book which describes Israel as “central to the world’s destiny and salvation.” The text will educate America’s children on complex geo-political issues until they become too illiterate from a defunct Department of Education.
Following his claim, the Tsibele launched an independent investigation into Huckabee’s medical records. Tracing documents back over seven decades uncovered that on August 24, 1955, Huckabee underwent the same procedure 80% of American men receive within the first 48 hours of life. After learning his penis was already circumcized, Huckabee refused to further comment.
