On January 29th, Meta platforms agreed to pay President Donald Trump $25 million to settle a lawsuit over “indefinitely” banning him from Facebook and Instagram following the January 6 Capitol Attack in 2021. At the time, Mark Zuckerberg claimed that “the risk” of keeping Trump’s accounts active as he spread misinformation in regards to the 2020 election was “simply too great”.
This announcement comes after years of efforts on Zuckerberg’s part to improve relations with the former Pizza Hut commercial star. Trump’s accounts were reinstated in 2023, and a year later the Meta CEO reportedly had dined with the President at Mar-a-Lago, also donating $1 million to his campaign fund.
And on January 20th, Zuckerberg was spotted at Trump’s inauguration ogling at the bosom of Lauren Sanchez, fiancé of full time adult Caillou impersonator and Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. But besides being a pervert in front of the entire free world, Zuckerberg also used the coronation to showcase his jarring change in appearance. Most notably, his hair.
Throughout the 2010s, Zuckerberg’s public image was defined by beady, lifeless eyes and amoebic skin that served as prime evidence towards the reptilian conspiracy theory. Rocking microbangs scalped straight from any Brooklyn-based barista who keeps threatening to purchase turntables, Zuckerberg’s hairdo was actually theorized to be a tribute to his hero, Augustus Caesar. His penis size is also reportedly inspired by ancient-Roman sculptures.
During his 2018 “anemic boy autumn” era, Zuckerberg testified before Congress over the usage of personal user data by Facebook. In 2021, he testified again on the spread of misinformation and hate-speech on the platform, proving once more that Minion QAnon memes are the most dangerous asset against democracy.
But by early 2024, the Zuck had received media attention for his changing style. Tightly fitting tees used to show off his supple breasts swapped out for looser shirts and gold chains. Dressing like Drake if both his parents were white Jews. And cascading from Zuck’s pencil-eraser-like head, a crown of loose, auburn curls.
While some may raise speculation of an Istanbul hair transplant, those most familiar with the style recognize the locks for what they are- the billionaire’s meek attempt at bringing back his jewfro.
The colloquial, potentially offensive term has been historically used to describe frizzy masses of hair naturally occurring in many Ashkenazi gene pools. It’s a style that invokes a messy yet care-free aesthetic worn by Jews looking to get ahead in their comedy careers. At its best, the jewfro sits upon the heads of Jewish giants like Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Jesse Eisenberg, the actor who portrayed Zuckerberg in the 2010 film The Social Network.
The movie captures a spry-curled Zuckerberg during his time attending Harvard, where he first began ventures in programming by creating Facesmash, a website letting students rate the hotness of fellow peers. The website only included female students, an act of self-preservation on the maker’s part.
This proto-incel exploit would not be Zuckerberg’s only invasion of privacy at the school, as he also broke into the Facebook accounts of two Harvard Crimson journalists. A note- if Zuckerberg decides to hack into this journalist’s account, be prepared to find dozens of listings auctioning off used panties on Facebook marketplace. Writing doesn’t quite pay the bills like a career in selling data to third parties.
Two decades later, Zuckerberg has returned to his original locks and his original ethics. His alignment with the far-right presents a bleak future for user-privacy and reducing misinformation. And he’s still creepy towards women, but now from behind the back of an actual rapist.
Although Zuckerberg’s style has evolved from Reddit moderator to YouTube pick-up artist to 4-Chan demagogue, his ugly core remains the same. MAGA’s nerdiest hype beast is currently cementing his legacy as one of America’s sleaziest facism enablers. Forever, he will be the man who used the Metaverse to give himself a honking pair of DDs. No amount of curl enhancing cream or covers with T-Pain can change that. To discover the true identity of Mark Zuckerberg, you only have to replace the “Z” with a “C”.
