New Beginnings: Modern Jewry was Created in Seven Days

Art by Tyler Kliem

Art by Tyler Kliem

This is the first piece of our New Beginnings series, exploring the emergent ideas, emotions, and social upheavals of a new era of progressive Jewish culture. We are writing for a brighter future, while honoring our past. More to come. 

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1:1.             When God began to create the heaven and the earth–

 

1:2.             the earth being unformed and void, with darkness over the surface of the deep and a wind from God sweeping over the water–

 

1:3.             God said, “Let there be light”; so God flicked a switch in Temple Bekal Makom.

 

1:4.         Somewhere in the Tri-state area God found himself with this light, but God wanted more.

 

1:5.             God said “Let there be an expanse in the midst of this city, that it may Jews from gentiles”.

 

1:6.       God filled Temple Bekal Makom with all the necessary furnishings to charge annual fees once God created currency.

 

1:7.         God molded a bimah, an ark, some seating, and glass windows since this creation was not Protestant.

 

1:8.           God was pleased with this synagogue as for a moment it felt like the whole world on this second day, but God wanted more.

 

1:9.            God said, “Let there be third places.” And it was so.

 

1:10.          God created the deli, for which he filled with kosher options, passive-aggressive service, and one timeless association with orgasming from an 80s rom-com.

 

1:11.           God established community centers and summer camps for he anticipated creating parents who did not want to spend time with their children.

 

1:12.           God even made Sephardi institutions to remind Bekal Makom not everyone suffers from IBS.

 

1:13.          And there were places to spend money, on the third day. But God still wanted more,

 

1:14.          God said “and these third spaces shall be filled with objects to create a sense of individuality,”

 

1:15.            God filled Temple Bekal Makom with candles and kippahs, tefillin and tallits, and bottles of wine as a reward for getting through services.

 

1:16.               God baked loaves of challah, covered pickles in brine, and created some dishes that would make laymen wonder if God had forgotten to create seasoning for the Ashkenazi.

 

1:17.              God created the media, for conspiracy theories would not exist until the following day

 

1:18.             And some say God created the credit card for the Jewish American Princess on this day, but God was not in the business of perpetuating stereotypes.

1:19.            And there was ritualism, on the fourth day, but God still wanted more.

 

1:20.            God said, “Let there be ideas and concepts to always keep the mind alive”.

 

1:21.            God started with guilt. Then anxiety, then stress, then complacency. And finally time for love in the end

 

1:22.           God created a history and tradition to inherit. An ancestry laced with expectation, suffering, and revenge. Knowledge full of contradictions and unfathomable violence. Finally, God made sure there was an ability to question to prevent anyone from finding peace with this information.

 

1:23.             And there were thoughts on the fifth day, but God still needed more.

 

1:24.             God said “let there be a new generation of Jews to inherit this reality”.

 

1:25.                    God decided to first create a lineage for the new generation marked by anxious mothers, cheapskate fathers, and aunts who’ll tell them they’re gaining weight. Maybe God was a hypocrite, for here God did indulge in stereotypes.

 

1:26.                 God said “Let us make Gen Z in our image, meaning that there’s a decent change God has iPhone face,”

 

1:27.           And God created Gen Z in His image and all genders, encouraging biblically accurate transitions.

 

1:28.          God blessed them and God said to them “you will inherit a confusing world, one scorned by death and power. A pain that exists beyond the omnibenevolence you claim I possess”.

 

1:29.          God said “you will inherit intergenerational trauma and a set of beliefs manifesting from its ashes. There will be global powers who claim to act in your name and people taking your corporal meaning to be all there’s”.

1:30.          And God continued with a final direction “And it will be your job to figure out where your own pain stops and turns into a weapon against others”.

1:31.          God saw all that he had made, and was satisfied with this creation, and returned to his eternal all-inclusive-vacation on the sixth day.

2:1.          The heaven and earth were finished, and all their disarray.

2:2.         But this new generation wondered if God had created rest on the seventh day.

2:3.          For Gen Z inherited a chaos of creation for which He had done.

 

 

Granddaughter of a clown. Disciple of Professor Dan Ben-Amos. Jew from New Jersey. Evie Klein is the editor of humor who does not have IBS.

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