BREAKING NEWS: The smoke billowing from the Sistine Chapel is white and the bells of St Peter’s Basilica are ringing. After 24 hours of voting, the papal conclave has chosen a new pope.
Like his predecessor, Pope Francis, this appointment will mark many firsts for the Vatican. He’s the first from North America, the first New Yorker, and the first to be a Jew.
Benjamin Goldberg of Brooklyn, New York spent his Easter Sunday in front of a TV watching re-runs of Curb Your Enthusiasm and ignoring work calls from his medical practice in the Lower East Side. Now, he’s the leader of the Catholic Church. His spiritual journey began on Tuesday when an invitation likely meant for Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, Archbishop of New York, arrived at Goldberg’s Bed-Stuy brownstone. Vatican officials believe this was a sign from God and enticed Goldberg with a 25% off coupon for a tour of Rome’s Jewish Quarter. He answered the higher calling, leaving behind a wife and two kids.
Although initial predictions doubted the outsider’s chances, Goldberg proved to be a dark horse. After five ballots, the former Camp Shemtuyot counselor took his place on the world’s stage as the 267th pope. Less than an hour after the election was finalized, Senior Cardinal Deacon Dominique Mamberti greeted thousands of devotees in St Peter’s Square. In Latin, he declared:
“Habemus papam! I announce to you the good news- we have a pope. Cardinal of the Holy Roman Church, Benjamin Mordecai Goldberg, who takes the name Oskar Schindler I.”
Since 566 AD, popes have taken on a papal name. Insiders report that when asked about his decision making process, the new pope said “he might not’ve been a saint, but that goy was certainly a mensch.”
Worshippers erupted in St Peter’s Square as Pope Oskar Schindler greeted them from the loggia balcony, sporting white robes and a blue and orange zucchetto with the “NY” insignia of his spiritual order. His first words to the crowd were: “a priest, a pastor, and a rabbi walked into a bar. The bartender said, ‘you’re not gonna believe who they just elected as pope.’”
Pausing for laughter, Pope Oskar Schindler then continued by offering his first Apostolic blessing. He began by singing the first three words of the ‘Shema.” Sensing the crowd’s confusion, he apologized, saying “Jesus Christ,” then apologizing again for taking his new lord’s name in vain, and finally reciting the Lord’s Prayer with the help of multiple papal aids. The crowd roared even louder upon its completion.
Reactions to Pope Oskar Schindler’s appointment have been overwhelmingly positive, many citing it as a sign of continued progress within church hierarchy. Though Cardinals are sworn to secrecy, experts believe the choice reflects the continuation of Pope Francis’s agenda of inclusion.
“This has been 60 years in the making ever since the church decided Jews were people for not murdering Jesus. The election of Pope Oskar Schindler is this conclave’s way of saying that church leadership is for everyone, no matter your background, unless you’re a woman,” said religious historian James Philip on the significance of the moment. “It wasn’t about how many psalms he could recite or the rosary he owned. What it came down to was Pope Oskar Schindler’s all-consuming religious guilt, and that’s something we Catholics can get behind.”
Already there are early signs of what this papacy will hold. For his first eucharist, Pope Oskar Schindler replaced communion wafers with challah and the blood of Christ with Manischewitz. Vatican insiders have also reported that the Pope has called his rabbi at home for support. Apparently the new pope was wondering if he’s allowed to complain back when people come to him for confession.
Until his death or until he decides to retire in Florida, Catholics across the world are putting their faith in a Jew as their spiritual leader. What the tenure of Pope Oskar Schindler will hold, only time will tell. However, scholars like James Philip have pointed out similarities to another figure who might indicate what’s to come.
“The first time we put our faith in a Jew things turned out pretty well. We seem to really like this Jesus guy, so why not try again?”
