Building a Jewish future requires enough imagination to envision one. Last year, inspired by the work of Rabbi Joshua Bolton, from his book’s eponymous poem, “Jewish Futurisms,” New Voices Fellows collaboratively composed their own set of poetical predictions. This year’s fellowship cohort, Miri Verona, Catherine Horowitz, and Layla Rudy (along with New Voices Editor and Fellowship Coordinator Rena Yehuda Newman) continue on this new tradition of seeing into the Jewish future.
In 5784, RuPaul will convert to Judaism.
In 5785, Sukkot will finally be the most popular Jewish holiday.
In 5786, ‘kosher’ vegan and vegetarian versions of non kosher food, will no longer be kosher either.
In 5787, American Jews are gonna bring back the big, ornate synagogues from the early American south and stop being so modernist!
In 5788, three major rabbis will be revealed to have had intimate relations with the pope.
In 5789, Janet Yellen will reveal herself to be moshiach.
In 5790, the metaverse will be populated entirely by chassidim, spelling out both its failure and success as a platform.
In 5791, most American Jews will enthusiastically observe Sigd.
In 5792, there will be several major brands of Jewish-specific trail mix.
In 5793, Satmar chassidim will run the entire logistics industry.
In 5794, the State of Israel will build a Jewish space laser that doubles as a needle for on-demand HRT.
In 5795, antisemitism abates, but only for a few months.
In 5796, “Jewish” will fall out of style as a demonym and the broader Jewish community will opt for the term “Quirky.”
In 5797, there will be a ninth day of Channuka.
In 5798, strict halakhic standards will be put in place for what qualifies someone to be an emcee or badkhen for a Jewish ceremony.
In 5799, oranges will be used in most Jewish ceremonial settings as climate change moves the citrus trade northward.
In 5800, a small cult based in Reform Judaism takes the world by storm.
In 5801, Tu Bishvat becomes the most fanatically observed holiday on the Hebrew and Gregorian calendars, even among non-Jews.
In 5802, radical environmentalist Jews will destroy an oil pipeline for every night of Hannukah.
In 5803, the Jewitch thing will incorporate itself into mainstream Judaism and we’ll all be doing magic spells
In 5804, impacted by the events of 5800, the Union for Reform Judaism will be no more.
In 5805, Matisyahu, Daveed Diggs and Tiffany Haddish will start a Jewish rap supergroup.
In 5806, there will be two famous gay novels published about the relationship between Rabbi Yochanan and Reish Lakish that become instant classics.
In 5807, Jews will more rigorously observe the mitzvah of giving 10% of their income to tzedakah.
In 5808, a significant new anonymous treatise on the unethicality of international borders will spell disaster for the Jewish people, even as it is distributed mostly by Jews and liberates a new revolutionary movement primarily composed of Jews.
In 5809, a new Jewish musical movement that centers trumpet will erupt out of Boulder, Colorado, (as started by Eviatar Shlosberg).
In 5810, there will be a new play about “Indecent” which contains a play within a play within a play. It too becomes canon to Yiddish literary culture.
In 5811, Ye will agree to donate all profits from his music to YIVO on the condition they change their name to YeVO.
In 5812, the cure for intergenerational trauma will be invented.
In 5813, Michael Chabon’s fake Jewish community in Alaska will happen for real
In 5814, Emma Goldman’s face, ironically, is put on U.S. currency.
In 5815, going to jail for civil disobedience will replace B’nei Mitzvahs as a rite of passage.
In 5816, most Jews will speak Ladino.
In 5817, the title of International Jewish Poet Laureate will be created with year-long debates to elect each years’ laureate.
In 5818, Yiddish sign language will be invented
In 5819, all Jews will agree with Rabbi Akiva that Shir HaShirim is really the most important book in Tanakh, though they will continue to disagree on everything else, including the annual poet laureate.
In 5820, Jews will again understand the relationships between their bodies and celestial bodies.
In 5821, ancient, never-before-seen manuscripts will re-emerge and freak out everyone.
In 5822, Turkish-Jewish sartorial styles from the 17th century become a trend among young Jews.
In 5823, we will count our blessings, and then lose count.
In 5824, Yom Kippur balls have a resurgence on both coasts.
In 5825, Emma Lazarus will be resurrected, the Statue of Liberty will come alive like a golem, and Kaijew will come out of hiding throughout the world to defend synagogues from destruction.
In 5826, the prohibitions on biblical magic will be repealed.
In 5827, the secret to immortality will be found in the Cairo Geniza.
In 5828, people will start asking who isn’t a Jew instead of who is.
In 5829, Karaite Judaism will be the most popular kind
In 5830, Rosh Hashana fortune cookies are all the rage.
In 5831, IBS symptoms will worsen.
In 5832, Beyblades will be used more widely than dreidels by the Jewish community.
In 5833, the first pair of tongs as described in Pirkei Avot will be discovered, and, much like the golden calf, people will begin to worship them.
In 5834, the high holidays will be observed for the first time at the bottom of the Mariana Trench.
In 5835, IBS will be eradicated forever!
In 5836, English-speaking Jews will begin censoring the name “Abrah-m” as a part of kashrut.
In 5837, effigies of Haman will start being burned at Purim as a new French minhag.
In 5838, half of the rabbinate will be non-binary.
In 5839, more gemaras will be illuminated, and even in gold ink.
In 5840, wigs will be the next big trend for all Jews
In 5841, nose jobs will be outlawed, kippah implants are all the rage.
In 5842, the remains of golem of Prague will be found in an attic somewhere. Nobody brings them to life….yet.
In 5843, we’ll usher in the world to come, but then she won’t stop.
In 5844, we all get married to the Shabbes Bride.
In 5845, they’ll rebuild the temple in the metaverse.
In 5846, there will be a great flood, but the rainbow will be in technicolor, revealing a color that previously hadn’t existed.
In 5847, the world will see a resurgence of Jewish piracy.
In 5848, all prayers and songs will be replaced by Jewish sea shanties.
In 5849, everyone will have Jerusalem syndrome, but it will be proven to be real.
In 5850, a 260 year old former Nazi officer will be found living in hiding in the Himalayas, but we’ll give him a pass.
In 5851, a box full of friendship bracelets from a URJ camp will be discovered in a ganizah time capsule, along with a very cryptic note that cannot be repeated and bears the name of G-d.
In 5852, we start planting succulents as a new observance on T’sha B’av.
In 5853, everyone will be the Messiah.
In 5854, all Jews will be practicing alchemy.
In 5855, we find Yitzchak Avinu by an ancient well. He is alive, and he is crying.
In 5856, the Rizhiner Rebbe will find a new following, and we will all build great palaces for festivities in order to show that Hashem’s world is worth living and partying in.
In 5857, there will be no more misnagdim.
In 5858, construction begins to build a new Tower of Babel.
In 5859, most Jewish magazines will be fashion magazines.
In 5860, some Jewish guy will clear his throat.
