Building a Jewish future requires enough imagination to envision one. Inspired by the work of Rabbi Joshua Bolton, from his book’s eponymous poem, “Jewish Futurisms,” New Voices Fellows Lila Goldstein, Ariya Sharif, and Mirushe Zylali (along with New Voices Editor and Fellowship Coordinator Rena Yehuda Newman) collaboratively composed their own set of poetical predictions for the next 56 Jewish calendar years.
In 5783, etrogim will become an invasive species, producing serious issues in Florida after one grandmother makes a terrible mistake.
In 5784, the entirety of the land of Canaan will fall into the sea, only to be saved by a miraculous large dome which makes it the world’s first underwater land, causing everyone involved in the geopolitical conflict to completely re-evaluate the concept of borders and nationality.
In 5785, Shari’a law will become the second-most relied upon textual source in Orthodox communities.
In 5786, every synagogue in the United States will shut down at once.
In 5787, Rebecca Sugar will become what remains of now-underwater Israel’s chief Ashkenazi rabbi.
In 5788, Rebecca Sugar will change their name to Rebecca Sour.
In 5789, Jewish summer camps all over the country will be home to camper rebellions.
In 5790, we will relearn how to talk to snakes.
In 5791, snakes will relearn how to read Torah.
In 5792, G-d will say it’s okay to wear makeup on Yom Kippur, adding one more commandment about this very topic.
In 5793, Hayao Miyazaki will convert to Judaism before his death.
In 5794, the first effigies of Nice Jewish Boys will be burnt as offerings.
In 5795, the largest synagogue in America will have a vegan Torah.
In 5796, an Academy Award winning drama about Lot’s wife dominates the box office.
In 5797, Jewish camp will have its final summer.
In 5798, the Judaic Studies department at Brandeis University will end its Hebrew Requirement.
In 5799, the Gregorian calendar will include a leap month.
In 5800, when Jews recite “Ha Lachma Anya” at the seder, they will actually go into the streets and invite someone in need of a meal into their homes.
In 5801, the world’s favorite bagel flavor will be blueberry.
In 5802, the last Birthright tour leaves for Israel.
In 5803, we will wander aimlessly through the desert.
In 5804, the Catholic Church will return the Menorah and also, surprisingly, the Ark of the Covenant. They weren’t hiding it, they just found it in their basement.
In 5805, the world will experience a sudden unexpected eclipse because an angel blinked. That angel has since been demoted back to just being Enoch.
In 5806, the Messiah will come down to rapturous applause.
In 5807, the head of the Rabbinate will release a statement admitting they were wrong: Chicken Parmesan is okay to eat. They finally checked that chickens don’t actually produce milk.
In 5808, the Jewish people unanimously decide they’ve had enough of this so called “Messiah” and decide to give another shot to the Sabbati Zevi fellow. Sabbati Zevi could not be reached for comment.
In 5809, the head of the Rabbinate once again outlaws chicken parm as they decide the egg breading counts as “cooked in its mothers milk”. When asked to release a statement about it, they were reported as having just laughed and given a sly wink.
In 5810, the English monarchy releases a statement claiming that King Arthur is the Messiah. The general consensus is “They’re both fated to return, right? Why not, sounds fun.”
In 5811, King Arthur Flour is found to be in violation of kosher dietary laws. This triggers what would become known as the Pogrom of 5811. The Englishmen are now in diaspora.
In 5812, the Catholic Church will ask for the Menorah back. They receive no reply.
In 5813, every Jew will own an extravagant dressing gown and tzitzit.
In 5814, there will be more independent Jewish publications per capita than fast food franchises.
In 5815, ten unconnected Jews in disparate locations will have concurrent experiences of arriving at gan eden.
In 5816, collective dreaming will become the norm.
In 5817, a new cure for Jewish intergenerational trauma will drop, but will only be effective for a few years at a time before requiring reapplied treatment.
In 5818, giants will reappear in eretz yisrael.
In 5819, Jewish Agriculture will be the largest American denomination.
In 5820, the Torah will be allowed into public venues including theaters, bathhouses, and speakeasies.
In 5821, making Claude Cahun-inspired sartorial choices will become a fashion fad that sweeps through French and now-further-diasporic British Jewry.
In 5822, landowning Jews will unanimously give over all stolen parcels to indigenous peoples and reimagine what it means to be in diaspora, with twelve new distinct ideologies about where to go from here, complete with treatises published as zines.
In 5823, traditional purple grape juice will be banished from all Sunday schools in favor of the white alternative.
In 5824, it will become normal to sell yarmulkes for dogs, though with no actual halakhic reasoning.
In 5825, fear of G-d will be subsumed by love of G-d.
In 5826, all bugs will become kosher, bolstering the microlivestock industry.
In 5827, the Chagall revival will sweep the world
In 5828, most Jews will play at least two instruments and have their own albums available for download and even on vinyl.
In 5829, Jewish blacksmithing will become the new Jewish agriculture.
In 5830, Jews will learn how to do teshuva for participation in capitalist systems.
In 5831, most rabbis will be patrilineal.
In 5832, the Jewish people will take a vow of silence.
In 5833, all festival meals will require hand-carved cutlery.
In 5834, the Pomegranate will be a new diaspora-wide unit of measurement.
In 5835, Fez’s Judeo Arabic dialect will become the official language of France.
In 5836, the Jewish Radical Calendar will cease to be radical.
In 5837, Jews will continue to sin, but feel a little more competent about the growing process that comes afterwards.
In 5838, “treyf” will mean something else entirely.
In 5839, several new Jewish genders will suddenly be revealed.
