In 2018, when I was a counselor-in-training (CIT) at Machaneh Tavor, I was desperate for heroic moments. I wanted my campers to love, trust, and remember me in the same way I remember my counselors. My madrichimot (counselors) were my big brothers and sisters. But I was so desperate to be the perfect madricha of my memories that I became a caricature of myself. All of my best traits were amplified until they were unrecognizable and destructive. I am joyful, but around my chanichimot (campers), I could only offer an unfaltering, but strained, smile. I am giving, but I was so afraid of rejection that I gave my chanichimot anything and everything. I am loving, but my desperation to be loved in return caused me to be stifling. The act was unsustainable, inauthentic, and it weakened my relationship with my chanichimot.
In 2019, I finally became a madricha.
Now, I am not going to pretend that being a madrichol incites the same selfless love and bravery that parenting does. The bond between a child and parent cannot be replicated over the span of a month. However, I don’t think I would have held a kid’s throw up in a plastic bag if I was not a madricha.
Last summer, Tavor’s annual camping trip went off without a hitch until one of the CITs woke me up at the crack of dawn because one of my chanichimot had thrown up. My first thought wasn’t exactly rational:
OH JEEZ MY CHILD MIGHT BE DYING.
I snatched up the med bag, tumbled out of the tent and went immediately to my chanicha. She told me that she had been awoken by her nausea and, while she had been sick early that morning, she was not feeling any better. I reassured her that everything was going to be alright and thanked her for getting help. A few hours later, all the kiddos were awake and packing up the vans. I had been keeping a close eye on my sick chanicha all morning and could see that she was not her usually peppy self. She was staring at the vans like they were as vomit-inducing as the spinning teacups at a carnival.
I had the perfect anecdote to cheer her up.
“Hey, if you feel sick in the van, don’t be afraid to let us know. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I would know! Before camp, us madrichimot went on a trip to a Chinese buffet. Afterwards, I had to pull over the entire van in order to throw up watermelon and eggroll on the side of the road. Not a great start to the summer!”
We laughed and some tension released from her shoulders. I saw a familiar sparkle return to her eyes for a shining moment. She promised to keep me in the loop.
Thirty to forty-five minutes into the trip, I was just starting to allow myself to relax, when another chanichol grabbed my shoulder and said, “Sophia, she’s about to be sick.”
I didn’t jump into a telephone box and put on my super suit. I didn’t even register that this was the “heroic” moment I had been waiting for all last summer. I calmly and quickly moved into the seat beside my chanicha. One of the other madrichimot handed me a plastic bag and I stuffed it into the chanicha’s hands right before the moment of impact. I pulled back her hair, wiped down her clothes, held the bag, and moved her into my clean seat after she was done. I didn’t care that I was sitting on a slightly sick-covered seat, and I didn’t care that I was holding her puke bag. All I cared about was that my chanicha’s sparkle had returned to her eyes. “Holy crap,” she said, “I feel so much better!”
When the driver was able to pull over, I dropped the sick bag into a fancy bank’s trash can (no regrets) and laughed with my chanichimot the whole way back to camp.
I had finally learned how to be my own version of a madricha and not constantly try to copy or one-up others. I wasn’t looking for heroic moments anymore. I was simply loving my job and loving my chanichimot. And that’s all that really mattered to me in the end.
Hebrew Word Glossary:
machaneh: camp
chanichimot: gender-neutral for a group of campers (used by Habonim Dror)
madrichimot: gender-neutral for a group of camp counselors (used by Habonim Dror)
madricha: a female camp counselor
madrichol: a gender-neutral term for a singular camp counselor (used by Habonim Dror)
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