1. Try out some terrible Jewish pick-up lines on your Jew-boo.
Jewish pick-up lines are consistently cringe-worthy. We all know this. But they’re a great way to test the strength of your relationship. (Don’t try these on strangers… Just don’t.) If your person sticks around through these pick-up lines, you know you two can weather anything.
Here are some of the cheesiest (read: creepiest) the Internet has to offer:
“I’ll love you almost as much as your Bubby does.”
“Don’t Jewish you were mine?”
“I worship you. Is that breaking the Ten Commandments?”
“Are you the moshiach? Because I’ve been waiting for you.”
“My heart burns for you like the Ner Tamid, baby.”
2. Grumble about the Christian origins of the holiday.
Sure, you might celebrate Valentine’s Day, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give long lectures about its Christian history.
Alternatively, just walk up to people and go, “Did you know it’s really SAINT Valentine’s Day? Did ya?” and walk away mumbling about America’s Christian-normative culture and something inaudible about Starbucks’ red cups.
3. Send your friends Jewish-themed Valentine’s Day cards.
Yup, heaven help us, this is a thing. Tell your pals you think they’re “pretty prettay prettay pprettay good” with a Larry David card or that they’re your “everything” with a bagel card. The stereotype possibilities are endless.
4. Rant about how lame Valentine’s Day is in comparison to Tu B’Av.
There’s nothing more Jewish than kvetching, especially when it involves insisting that the obscure Jewish alternative to something non-Jewish is infinitely better! Throughout the week, bemoan how Valentine’s Day is nothing like Tu B’Av, the Jewish day of love.
Ok, it’s a minor holiday few people actually celebrate, but your goyish friends don’t need to know that! Do the daughters of Jerusalem go out dancing in white in some kind of strange ancient Israel version of “The Bachelor” on their holiday? I didn’t think so.
5. Take advantage of discounts.
Valentine’s Day isn’t technically a Jewish holiday, but February 15th might as well be. It’s a magical day of discounts. Chocolate is on sale. Roses are half price. That gigantic, costly teddy bear you never knew you needed is now $5.
So, embrace the frugal reputation of our people – and the fact that reading New Voices likely means you’re a poor college student – and go wild! Need dorm room decorations? Buy some papier-mâché pink hearts and models of zaftig flying babies. Need brain food to study? Get cheap boxes of Sweethearts for both a pep talk and pre-exam snack. Buy your cards for the next ten Valentine’s Days at a reasonable price. No shame. (Ok, a little shame.)
