February is Jewish Disabilities Awareness and Inclusion Month. Since kindergarten, due to my learning disabilities, social anxiety, and battle with anorexia, I’ve had to have a lot of chutzpah. With anxiety, one needs to be a fighter. I’ve had the most amazing coach in my corner, worthy of Joe DiMaggio. My mother, a guardian angel: a Jewish Mother who is both bossy and controlling, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
What is anxiety? For me, it is feeling scared all the time, scared of mostly everything. It is constant cottonmouth — no matter how much water you drink, still feeling like your mouth is always dry. It is feeling alienated while fearing you’re alienating the family you care about. It’s wanting to be as skinny as possible in order to just feel a little better about yourself. It’s being worried about the future, yet always dreading it.
That being said, my mother has been my saving grace, a sanctuary of safety — which is why I wrote this note of gratitude for my mensch of a Mother.
Dear Ema,
I have sometimes felt guilty for you, a woman struggling behind chaos often created by my meltdowns of tears. Since I was in kindergarten, you have had to fight my battles for me.
Having learning disabilities and anxiety, I was worried all the time and my self esteem suffered. With each new age came new challenges and worries for me, questions like, “Will I die?” “Will you die?” and you always assured me so sweetly.
Often I have felt judged with every stare. I prayed you or a form of G-d would swoop in and save me from a world that felt too harsh for me and my sensitive skin. In kindergarten you used to comfort me and let me eat my favorite hazelnut Italian spread Nutella with a spoon, while you did my makeup like Cleopatra. You provided me with a escape from my anxiety and gave me ruach.
At twenty-two, though, I find myself scared and frightened of the real world. While my cousins who are the same age try to distance themselves from their parents and are exploring the real world, I find myself moving closer to you and wanting to hide from the world. I try to find sanctuary in the comfort of Sonia Sanchez’s poetry, and solace in the safety of my Mother.
I am fearful and frightened, but I find comfort knowing that I am my mother’s daughter. Although I am scared often, I find comfort knowing that I have the same curly hair as you, and you have instilled in me the same free spirit and chutzpah. I feel so blessed that you are my saving grace, a stabilizing force in my unstable existence.
Your daughter,
Michele Amira
Michele Amira is a student at the University of Maryland.
