I’m nervous and shaking. My Hillel rabbi, Isabel, has taken me to a grocery store upon my request; I haven’t gone grocery shopping for about three months and it’s vital to my recovery that I have food around the house that I can eat. The grocery store is one of my least favorite places in the entire world. I am literally surrounded by food. Pretty much my worst nightmare. I take out my list: I need cheese, fruit, cookies, granola bars, etc. We go through each aisle, me getting increasingly nervous as we go. We finally get everything and check out. We breathe a sigh of relief. I did it! I went grocery shopping.
I am unbelievably lucky that I am surrounded by a Jewish community who does everything in their power to help me in my recovery from anorexia. From the moment I checked into my first treatment center on January 6, 2014, my community rallied around me. A support system is one of the most important things that someone with an eating disorder can have. They need people who will be there through the highs and the lows. They need people who will share in their triumphs, but also help pick them up if they fail. People with eating disorders need to be reminded that those around them love and care about them to combat the voice in their heads telling them that they are worthless
A support system for someone with an eating disorder needs to have a few crucial things. The first is unconditional love. A person with an eating disorder needs to know that even if it takes twenty years for them to reach recovery, even if they fail over and over again, that their supports will never stop loving them. The best example of this in my support system is my Zaida, who, despite my going to three treatment centers in less than a year, has always showed me unconditional love. He constantly reminds me that he isn’t disappointed in me and that he is proud of all the progress I have made. He tells me he will be by my side through this whole recovery process. Even when I am ready to give up he believes that I can beat this. Many days when I feel like giving in, I hear my Zaida’s voice telling me that he is going to dance at my wedding, meaning I had better stick around so that I can have a wedding.
A support system needs to remind the person with the eating disorder of all their successes because the eating disorder will constantly remind them of their failures. Often recovery seems like such a big, impossible task. The support system needs to remind the person with an eating disorder that every bite is a success, and that small successes lead to big victories. For example, one of my goals for recovery was to eat a piece of chocolate cake. Knowing this, one of my friends baked me a homemade chocolate cake and brought it to my apartment. The idea of eating the entire chocolate cake, or even having an entire cake in my apartment, was overwhelming. I cut one small piece and ate it! Victory! My friends rejoiced! That was my small success for the day. Eventually, many days of having that small success led to me eating the entire cake, over several weeks of course. This was a big victory.
A support system needs to be able to listen non-judgmentally. The thought process of a person with an eating disorder is often irrational. When an irrational thought comes up, they just need to be reminded of the facts. They may not believe the facts, but having that rational, non-judgmental voice around helps combat the irrational thoughts. I have many irrational thoughts each day, and I think that my roommate handles them the best. I often find myself saying, “I can’t eat. If I eat I’ll get fat and die.” My roommate always combats this saying, “1) You’re not going to get fat. 2) If you don’t eat you will die. 3) Last time you ate, nothing catastrophic happened, and you didn’t magically gain twenty pounds from a yogurt.” These statements, though they drove me insane at first, turned out to be very helpful. They bring me back to a grounded place where realism rules and hyperbole has no place.
Friends and family are fantastic supports, but every support system needs to have professionals. This is what is referred to as “having a team.” A team consists of a therapist, psychiatrist, nutritionist, and primary care doctor. It’s important, if possible, that your whole team is familiar with eating disorders. A surprising number of medical professionals are not. A person’s team is there to make sure they are staying on track. They are there to offer an outsider’s view on the situation. It is crucial in recovering from an eating disorder to have a team you trust.
The most important part of a support system is the person with the eating disorder. They have to want to recover. Not every second of every day, but they need have the drive to do the work in order to get to recovery. Unfortunately, if the person doesn’t truly want recovery no amount of support is going to get them to a healthy place. You can’t will someone into recovery. If you or someone you know has an eating disorder. Seek help. Talk to the person. Let them know how much you care. The first step to supporting any friend or yourself is to become educated. A good place to start is with the National Eating Disorders Association.
Jourdan Stein is a student at Drexel University.
