Do you ever get so overwhelmed about your future that you want to just stop what you’re doing, run out into a field and scream,
“WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE?!?”
Yeah. That’s about where I am right now.
I left Yellowstone National Park three weeks ago, where I was working seasonally. Since then, I’ve resumed my nomadic lifestyle and have been traveling the southwest. I have to admit that it’s been a bit difficult for me.
Really? You’re about to complain about getting to travel all over the country completely on your own schedule with no obligations or deadlines?! Wow. That sounds rough.
No, I’m not being sarcastic; it’s not always as fun as it sounds. Leaving Yellowstone with no concrete plans was terrifying, to say the least. I’ve pretty much always had a plan; after high school, I knew I was going to go to college; after college, I felt that I needed to spend some time in Israel learning more about my heritage; after Israel, it felt like time to get a “real” job. And even when I decided to pack up and start a new life, I had Yellowstone as my destination following a two-week road trip. But when the season ended, I set out on the road again with no anchor and no specific plan.
It’s not like I didn’t have any other choice. I turned down three job offers before I left. I was really close to accepting one of them, but in the end, it just didn’t feel right.
Okay, Amber. Enough with the hippie bullshit. Get a job!
Maybe you think I’m crazy. My brain – the “realistic,” “practical” part of me – certainly does. (“Brain” will henceforth be referred to as “Frannie,” the insane, overprotective, Jewish grandmother voice in my head that tries to keep me from the “scary” things I really want to do.) I took a huge risk leaving a job at the end of my seasonal contract and throwing myself back out into the wilderness without the comfort and security of knowing I’d be going to another one in the near-ish future. Frannie is verklempt and she certainly thinks I’m meshuganeh. She’s not the only one…
A few weeks ago, I was texting a friend when she asked me where I was going after the season at Yellowstone ended. When I told her, she said, “Amber…are you going to be okay? If you need some money, let me know. I don’t like the idea of you wandering around without an income.” Another friend said, “So, you’re just going to do this until you figure things out, right? You’re just taking some time off?”
Um…….no.
Many people think that being nomadic, moving a lot, or being in transition means that you are lost. Admittedly, there have been times over the past three weeks when I’ve felt that way. Some days, I’ve felt like a loser. I’ve had second thoughts about giving up those jobs and I’ve wondered when exactly I lost my marbles (and how long it will take to lose all of my savings).
In the moments when I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly, I try to remind myself that I have figured things out. This is what I figured out. This is not time off or time to kill. This is not a vacation. It’s real life. It’s a gift, an opportunity to explore, and that is exactly what I need right now. I feel that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, even if that place is in transit or uncertain. Although it’s really uncomfortable at times, this is where real growth happens.
I will not claim to have everything “figured out” – whatever that means. It sounds like there has to be some sort of end. What is supposed to be the result of this figuring out? Is it sewing my wild oats, “getting it out of my system” as they say, until I am tamed and find a “safe” job, a place to “settle down”? And does anyone ever have everything figured out? Life is supposed to be about searching and discovering.
The moment I stop exploring with wonder is the moment my life becomes stagnant and boring. You can do this while living a more “traditional” life, and there is nothing wrong with that, but my personal calling right now is travel and adventure (and I understand that not everyone has the same wanderlust that I do). Yes, I am going to be in transit for a while – that’s the plan – but not in the sense that I’m just waiting for something else. I’m not directionless; this important part of my journey is the time to meet more new people, see more new things, write more music about my experiences, discover more about what I want and don’t want, evaluate places I may choose to call home, and above all, invest in myself.
My job right now is to be a seeker. Yes, part of my seeking is for a source of income that works for me, or situation in which my living expenses are covered (like a work exchange). Although I sometimes just want the comfort of those ridiculous “four-year plans” we had to do in high school and college, I think this would still need to be part of it. I don’t know where I’ll be a month from now. It’s really nerve-wracking…and also incredibly thrilling. I’m learning to listen to what is happening in every moment and learning to trust that I will be guided to where I need to be in the next moment. I certainly haven’t mastered it. I’m a work in progress, as I always should be, and part of that work is learning to embrace uncertainty for all of the potential it holds.
“Not all who wander are lost.”
– J.R.R. Tolkien
Amber Ikeman graduated from the University of Central Florida one lifetime ago.
