For most of my three years in college, my main goal was to graduate. I started out pre-med, under the delusion that I enjoyed sciences, and then college had a purpose: to educate me in the basic sciences so that I could attend medical school. But once I took and subsequently came to loath Chemistry, I dropped that dream and ran for the English department, screaming all the way. As everyone knows, English is the least useful degree ever, right behind History, and while I enjoyed some of my classes, I can’t say I made education my top priority. Instead, I focused on those extra-curricular activities that I felt I was truly gaining experience and knowledge from: my paper, The Beacon, my blog at New Voices Magazine, and other freelance work. Journalism, for me, was a career best learned on the job and not in the classroom. I came to see college as a way to earn a necessary degree to be taken seriously in the Real World, and if I accidentally learned something in classes, that was an unexpected bonus.
So now that I’m an imminent college graduate (I’ve finished all my classes, but have yet to officially graduate—I’m not counting my chickens just yet) I feel I’m ready to share the extensive wisdom of what I did manage to learn at college, both inside and outside the classroom. As I’ve recently become disillusioned with the whole idea of Liberal Arts colleges—the idea of returning to an apprenticeship system has more and more appeal to me these days, in terms of practicality and efficiency—and I’m clearly not here to root for college education (sorry, believers), I’ve decided to title this Advice From a College Cynic. Plus, alliteration is always fun, even when the letters don’t sound the same. If you find this list negative or dispiriting, you’re probably reading it right.
- Professors can see through bullshit. Which is why you need to refine your bullshit skills until even you’re convinced by your own B.S. The really, really good professors can see through even the best bullshit, so if you want to learn how to actually write a good paper, take their classes. Otherwise, steer clear.
- Always drink water. Being drunk is fun; being hung over is not. Drink water while partying, and thank me the next morning. And while we’re on the topic of smart decisions: Always, always wear a condom. You’ll thank me in nine months.
- Avoid middle school drama. Maybe it’s just me, but when I was done with high school, I was ready to be surrounded by mature, interesting groups of level-headed pseudo-adults in college (I watch too many movies). I was definitely not expecting some of the puberty-reminiscent angst I was met with. Once I got out of those groups, I was a much happier person. Also, avoid getting stuck in the high-school trap of needing to be accepted for who you’re not—college is all about being who you are, and finding that awesome. Milk it.
- Don’t rush to graduate. I finished college in three years—plus one semester off for medical leave—because my college accepted the credits I got from learning in Israel for two years. That means that I’m 23 now and only just graduating. Clearly I didn’t take the fast-track, and I would advise anyone who will listen to me to do the same. I may be cynical about higher education, but even in spite of that, college is an incredibly important time, and spending your entire time anxious about finishing “on time” will ruin it entirely, as will taking 300 credits per semester just to finish early. Relax. There’s no deadline for graduating. Enjoy your time. Old people all say this is the time of our lives, so there must be something to that. Don’t waste it by spending every second in class, on homework, or on plotting how to graduate quickest.
- Be happy. That’s really the most important thing I learned in college. Being happy is underrated. College students have exorbitant rates of suicide, not to mention depression and anxiety. Do what it takes to be happy, and I don’t mean the kind of happy that comes rolled in a joint, although I’m certainly not discrediting those powers. Make time for friends, for things you enjoy, maybe even for your school’s counseling center if that’s what it takes.
I know there are other, wiser, less cynical pointers for enjoying and getting the most out of college. It’s also different for everyone—for some students, taking classes you actually find interesting is the key, while others just go for the easy A’s. Both approaches are equally fair, depending on what you want out of your time there. Also, wear your seat belts.
