It’s Chanukah again, and unless you want to buy your friends a chocolate Santa (they are kosher…) the Jewish gift options are usually limited to yet another funky dreidel. Not that that’s bad. Dreidel is a highly underrated game. But most people already have at least one plastic dreidel they can dredge up from their drawers, so why not get that special someone a gift they’ve never gotten before? Special bonus: If you get them anything off this list, you get to watch them pretend to be happy about the gift while secretly wondering who they can re-gift to. The facial expressions are worth the often grossly-overpriced expenses.
Let’s start with the clothing. We’ve already written about these hipster, so-ugly-they’re-cool sweaters, but as it turns out, there’s an entire world of tacky Chanukah themed outer- (and under!) wear that the whole family can enjoy. So in case your Jewish themed wardrobe is limited to the measly generic T-shirt, brighten up! Your choices are seemingly endless:
- While not necessarily Chanukah-specific, this shirt basically sums it up for everyone. And it definitely works for Chanukah. Plus, if you get bored, the website we found this shirt on seems to specialize in Jewish humor shirts that make even the most uncouth comedian wince (see: this).
- T-shirts not your thing? Worry not. We’ve got, just for you, this fabulous tie. Now you finally know what to get Weird Uncle Murray. (He deserves it after all those years of getting you bath salts and perfumed hand lotions for Chanukah.)
How often do you get to get your boyfriend/husband/lover some sexy boxers, that also proudly proclaim his heritage for all those who don’t get to see the proof underneath? Probably never. Here’s your chance. Don’t waste it: An entire selection of Chanukah boxers, for that special man in your life.
How often do you get to get your boyfriend/husband/lover some sexy boxers, that also proudly proclaim his heritage for all those who don’t get to see the proof underneath? Probably never. Here’s your chance. Don’t waste it: An entire selection of - Of course, last but certainly not least, a pair of tights for that lady you love. Winter’s a-coming and it’s high time you bought her a present no one else will have (even if that’s for good reason). Display your love to everyone who speaks the tongue (and is checking out your woman’s legs).
Moving on—not to say that there’s no more clothing options, just that we’re a little overwhelmed by the sheer horror of what people are willing to wear—we have those most useless of presents: Gifts that are only ever used once a year, and do nothing more than take up space the rest of the year.
- Let’s begin with the classic, as-seen-in-that-Maccabeat’s-video Latke flipper. It’s been too long since that song has been stuck in your head, hasn’t it? Glad we could help with that.
- Chanukah hand towels. As if you don’t already have enough towels, now there’s a selection you can’t even use most of the year without feeling
even more tacky than you did when you got these. Which, given that these are—think about it—Chanukah hand towels—was pretty damn tacky.
even more tacky than you did when you got these. Which, given that these are—think about it—Chanukah hand towels—was pretty damn tacky.- Chanukah plates. And more plates. Plates, and plates, and plates. Apparently we’re the only people in America with limited cabinet space, becau
se the Chanukah plate market seems to be exploding. Again, use it once a year or forever feel the judgment in your guests’ eyes.
This one doesn’t have a category. It’s just the epitome of gaudy, and therefore deserved to be mentioned:
- Flashing Chanukah pins. In case you were feeling particularly envious of those weird light-up reindeer hats that everyone seems to find socially acceptable come winter.
And finally a few gifts that we kind of have to admit are a little bit awesome in their tackiness:
- Possibly the oddest thing every created. Whoever connected Chanukah with bathroom humor is mad, but also a bit of a genius, because this Chanukah toilet seat cover is kind of hilarious. That’s right. A toilet cover. You know you want it.
- Finally, chocolate gelt gets delicious. It’s always been a bit of a conundrum that Jews, who love their food, have been content with packing away boring little discs of plain chocolate as a holiday snack. Well, that’s finally changed. Here to stay are flavored, sea salted, fancy chocolates. Plus, they’re historically (more) accurate.
- According to their website, these latke toy soldiers are a Chanukah party “must have.” Who are we to argue?
- Look, just…don’t ask questions. Some things, like dreidel tattoos, are better that way.
Look, just…don’t ask questions. Some things, like Didn’t find anything you liked (or hated)? Here’s our last-ditch attempt to keep you guessing: Hasid (or hipster?) beards for anyone who feels the need to attend the office holiday party in disguise. If that doesn’t amuse you, well, we just give up.
