I want everyone to think about this for a second. Jake Gyllenhaal is beautiful. He is also Jewish (see his appearance on ‘Shalom Sesame’ above). Scarlett Johansson, coincidentally, is both beautiful and Jewish as well. I think we need to create a shidduch here. For some reason, no one else has considered the implications of this brilliant prospect. Well, I’m here to change that in an important and public way.
First, let’s go through how many mitzvot this will fulfill: The very first commandment every given to mankind by God was to reproduce. So encouraging a Jakelett child is literally an order from God. Next is kiddush Hashem, or sanctifying God’s name. If Jake and Scarlett were to marry for the sake of both being beautiful Jews, this would surely honor the name of the Lord. Especially if they produced an equally beautiful child to carry on the work of beautiful Jews everywhere.
This would also undoubtedly inspire Jews everywhere to marry Jewish, as opposed to succumbing to intermarriage, which everyone knows is the biggest threat to the Jewish nation today (well, it’s at least on the list). Imagine the ability of one happy, pretty couple to bring the Jewish nation back to its thriving former glory; this is the power held by the potential of the Jakelett couple.
Finally, for some indisputable evidence. A well-known and well-respected website, MorphThing, provides the world with the ability to see what a baby of two celebrities would look like. Ever wonder how Britney Spears and George Bush would work as parents? Now you can find out. Having found my way to this prestigious site, I immediately entered Jake Gyllanhaal and Scarlett Johansson. This angelic child is what I found. You simply can’t say no to that face.
So why hasn’t this shidduch been made yet? This is a pressing question on my mind. Why have Mr. Gyllenhaal and Ms. Johansson not found one another yet? They are clearly soulmates. This is a tragedy of a grand importance. They are, quite literally, star-crossed (potential) lovers.
Rise up, people of the Jewish nation. If you have any concerns for the future of the Jewish nation, you will recognize the significance of this issue. Make this happen. Sign a pledge, call your local shadchan, write up a darn shidduch resume for them! Take action. The as-of-yet unborn but certainly stunning child of Jake Gyllenhaal and Scarlett Johansson deserves to be born. You can make this happen.
