Are young Jewish students saving the institution of marriage?
While most Americans push marriage further and further off into adulthood, marriage is alive and thriving among some Jewish college students in Manhattan.
Only 51% of American adults (individuals 18 and older) were married in 2010, compared to 72% in 1960, says a recent report from the Pew Research Center. But many Jewish college couples have found that now is the right time for them to make a life commitment. Some are shomer negiah — meaning that they follow a strict interpretation of Jewish law that only allows them to be in intimate physical contact within the confines of marriage. Other Jewish pairs simply find that tying the knot is the next stage in their relationships. Maybe it’s a mixture of both.
To get their stories, I spoke with three college-age couples. Not surprisingly, two of them are Orthodox, though one couple prefers “post-denominational.”
The couples
Elisa Rigol, Barnard College senior, 22; and Joseph Schwartz, Columbia University senior, 21
After dating for just over a year, on Nov. 22, 2011, Joseph proposed in Spanish to Eli, whose family comes from Cuba. The two have set a wedding date for May 20, 2012, four days after they graduate. They identify as Orthodox and observe the stricture of being shomer negiah.
Ruthy Sher, Columbia senior, 22; and Mark Glass, Yeshiva University junior, 23
Like Joseph and Eli, Mark and Ruthy dated for about a year. Mark proposed on October 30, 2011, and the two plan to wed on June 17, 2012. And like Joseph and Eli, they are Orthodox and shomer negiah.
Ilana Greene, New York University junior, 22; and Dan Margulies, Columbia junior, 21
Dan and Ilana dated for three and a half years before Dan proposed on March 6, 2011. They plan to get married on June 3, 2012. Unlike the two Orthodox couples, Dan and Ilana identify as post-denominational.
Their stories
In the Orthodox community, dating and marriage go hand-in-hand.
“I mean, when you first start dating someone and you’re in this kind of circle-especially when you get set up with someone like we did-you sort of date almost with the intent of getting married,” Ruthy said in an interview. “I don’t want to make it seem, obviously, like it’s unemotional or void of any kind of personal relationship, but I think, obviously, in the back of your head, you’re always thinking about the possibility of marriage.”
Joseph saw dating similarly.
“For me, dating was with the purpose of finding the person I would marry, so dating was a means to an end,” Joseph said in an interview. “And, therefore, there was no specific moment at which I was like, ‘I’m going to marry this girl,’ as much as the longer we dated the more likely I saw that being possible.
Dan and Ilana saw marriage as the next step in their relationship. Dan didn’t start dating to get married, but he and Ilana discussed their future from an early stage in their relationship.
“The age didn’t factor in as much as that we both felt that we had found the right person and we wanted to spend our lives together. That’s part of what love is, right?” Dan commented in an interview. “As you spend more time with the person, you realize more and more that this is the right person. Whenever you step into it, it’s going to be too much to handle, so you learn on the job. So the decision to do it now is no different than the decision to get married any other time. Except, for the two of us, it means not waiting anymore.”
Both Orthodox couples admit that some pressure to get married exists in the Orthodox community.
“Look, there are community pressures and it’s just generally preferred that people get married sooner rather than later, but, personally, I always thought that, once I found the right person, I didn’t see the point of pushing it off just for the sake of pushing it off,” Eli said in an interview.
Ruthy, however, didn’t feel pressure as much as she wanted to achieve the happiness her now-married sister had.
If anything, Joseph’s family wanted him to slow down. Joseph became Orthodox two years ago, but his family remains Conservative.
“They thought we were young,” he explained. “They thought it was an age thing. They thought it was an issue of making sure you’re sort of old enough to know what you want.”
Now, they fully support their son’s choice.
Courtesy of Ilana Greene and Dan Margulies
Similarly, Dan didn’t feel pressure to marry.
“When we told our parents, they said, ‘Finally,’ meaning they had been expecting it because they saw the level to which our relationship had developed,” he said. “There was never any kind of pressure or negativity. Definitely not.”
Eli and Ruthy’s families, both Orthodox, reacted favorably from the beginning.
“So, once they realized that I was pretty sure that this was happening, they were completely supportive,” Eli said. “They wanted it to be as quickly as I was comfortable having it be.”
Ruthy’s family felt similarly.
“It’s not like I feel pressured, but it’s almost like, ‘Oh, it’s normal to get married at a young age,'” she said.
Some don’t understand these couples’ decisions need to get married.
“I think my non-Jewish friends are sort of like, ‘What are you doing?’ They don’t get it as much, but they’re obviously supportive, but they think I’m nuts, but it’s fine,” Ruthy said.
Dan experienced similar reactions. “People will ask, ‘Why are you getting married young or why did you decide to do this?'” he said. “And you just tell them, ‘We’re in love and we’re happy and we found the right person.'”
“A lot of the reason why I think me and most Orthodox couples get married really young, or whatever, is because there are a lot of things we can’t do, or a lot of things that we kind of have to like, put off or whatever, until we get married,” Ruthy said.
These restrictions allowed her to get to know Mark better. “Because we have these laws in place-let’s say the shomer law or certain things that we can or can’t do-I actually think you get to know the person better faster because all you can do it sit and talk,” Ruthy said.
Courtesy of Elisa Rigol and Joseph Schwartz
For Joseph, getting married isn’t all about intimacy. “It’s an important clarification that it’s not that like, ‘Oh, we need to rush into marriage so we can have sex.’ That’s not a fair representation of it at all,” he said. “But I think that the differences, in terms of the stages of development of a relationship, are just different in the context of dating as dictated by Jewish law.”
Dan wrote in an email, “In the non-observant community, there is the option to move in with a long term partner out of wedlock. However, I think that after several years of dating successfully, we would be considering marriage regardless of the circumstances. It’s more due to our personal commitment to each other rather than some sense of religious obligation.”
Ruthy holds a different opinion on physical relations and marriage. “I think it’s a driving force in getting married sooner rather than later,” she said. “I think it really affects when we get married, not necessarily that we’re going to be getting married. It plays a really big role in when we decide we want to get married and that’s sooner than most people, just because we have to wait to do a lot of things until we’re married.”
In the meantime, she said she wants to wake up to Mark every morning, but is frustrated she has to wait.
Each couple feels they will grow together in this transition to adulthood. “What I mean is I think there’s something very exciting about going through that stage with someone,” Joseph said. “I think that there are a lot of positives to dealing with this stage in the context of a partnership.” Dan observed, “What kind of expression is going to be stifled from being in a loving, committed relationship? I don’t really know. It’s not as if we’re going to become middle-aged because we’re married.”
“I’m excited to grow together,” Ruthy explained. “I know a lot of people want to find themselves and whatever, but I know that when I’m with him-this is, like, really corny-but he really does bring out the best in me and I really find myself when I’m with him and he fosters that growth.”
Carly Silver is a senior at Barnard College, Columbia University, majoring in religion and minoring in ancient studies. She is a New Voices Magazine national correspondent.
