Finding myself (again)

I am not what you would call a naturally confident person. In fact, I go out of my way to put myself down, in the hopes that I will not only seem a more approachable person, but that someone will tell me that I am wrong. The only problem is I have stopped believing those who take the time to remind me of my true worth.

Humility is a trait that I seek in my companions. I trained myself to believe that humbleness should be revered. Maybe this stems from the fact that I have always been rewarded for my maturity; my ability to empathize and be a source of strength for others. Many seek me out for a listening ear, and I gladly do so without prejudice. But, for some reason, I am ashamed to seek help from others. Last year, I broke free from this cycle of meekness. However, my new college environment—though it be cherished—has prompted me to return to my old ways.  

My senior year of high school I was the top of my class, in the highest choirs, and very much in my element. I expected college to be no different because, in my heart, I knew that I was meant to go to Knox. I thought my initial transition would be difficult, but, surprisingly, it was not. I settled into college life fairly quickly and without many upsets. But my second term, as I began to take on harder classes, a feeling of averageness settled over me. I never felt good enough and, instead of telling myself that I would succeed, I prepared myself for failure.

As a result, anxiety struck me hard Winter Term. I suffered a few small panic attacks and often believed myself to be dying. I could not sit through a single class without believing that something horrific was going to happen. And the walls always felt like they were caving in.

Unfortunately, my intense feelings of inferiority persist. But starting now, I am taking my life back. No more negative words will escape my lips. No more putting myself down and no more “I can’t.” I am talented, smart and funny. With a more positive attitude, it is my intention to take college by storm!