What do a fictional British agent and Jewish men have in common? Two words: androgenic hair. For non-science majors, and those who never searched “body hair” on Wikipedia, androgenic hair is a fancy word for the hair that develops during and after puberty. If, after the preceding lines, you are scared to read on, rest assured the content of this article will be restricted to the body hair growing above the belt. Now that my intentions are clear – and your mind is out of the gutter – we can move on.
A furry chest proved extremely beneficial, not for James Bond, but for Austin Powers. Ivana Humpalot was thoroughly smitten upon getting a glimpse of Austin’s chest. Likewise, when combined with his mojo and dance moves, his hair caused Fembots to spontaneously combust. But for college-aged Jewish males, the reactions and results are not always so favorable. Far from sharing the enthusiasm exhibited by Ivana and the Fembots, many potential partners are at best indifferent and at worst repulsed.
I blame the fashion world. Seriously, how many male Jews (without shaving, waxing, etc.) can realistically compete with the hairless wonders depicted in magazines and on billboards? Very few, I suspect. Of course I am aware that body hair is not a distinctively Jewish feature. I know non-Jews sufficiently covered and fellow Jews with little to no hair to be found. But I also know that the overwhelming majority of Jews I am acquainted with have narratives similar to mine.
My chest hair began to sprout at the tender age of 14. This development transformed one of my childhood nicknames (Moonchester), in to one more fitting (Moon-chest-hair). I cannot say I was completely blindsided. Anyone who has spent time around a Jewish father, grandfather, uncle or cousin is keenly aware of what the future most likely holds. I still remember my grandfather’s claim that all of his hair fell off his head and stuck to his chest and back. However, no amount of forewarning could prepare me for what was to come. Even if you understand you will have chest hair, actually witnessing its growth is a whole other ball game.
Today my hair has expanded. My chest was by no means the final frontier. My upper arms were the next victims. What my friends so lovingly call “arm pubes” have now gained a foothold. My lower back has also fallen, in what is referred to as my beaver pelt. It is only a matter of time before my upper back goes under as well.
As I said before, my dilemma is not unique. Many a Jewish male are confronted with issues surrounding their body hair. It boils down to a few choices: wax, shave, or just let it be. Before making any rash decisions, consider the following.
In an episode of Seinfeld, Jerry begins shaving his chest. It pays off at first. His girlfriend digs it and he cannot discern any negative side effects. That is, until the hair starts growing back. As the itching increases, Jerry begins to realize that he is caught in a vicious cycle. Finally, Kramer steps in to play the voice of reason. His timely message is that when it comes to body hair, resistance is futile. I can attest to this fact. I saw a man in Mexico who had a five o’clock shadow on his chest. Not a pretty sight.
With shaving ruled out, two options remain. In my mind, waxing should be taken off the table. Repeatedly subjecting oneself to an inch by inch, painful removal of hair sounds purely sadistic. So, after careful consideration, I say let it be. The grooming options are impractical. More importantly, do not let Calvin Klein models dictate what is sexy. I will wear my body hair like a badge of honor. I implore my Jewish brethren to do the same.
