How naive I must have been, just eleven short months ago, to think that when I elected Barack Obama the only thing I would be getting was a liberal, articulate and intelligent Democratic president focused on reconciliation, progressive policy and transparency in government.
What I didn’t know, and what I’ve since discovered by the grace of Obama’s glory, is that while he may appear to us as a man, a corporeal being, he is in fact a savior sent from beyond, a raiser of the downtrodden, a redeemer of the oppressed.
His words–oh, his words–elevate me to heavenly bliss. And when he walks down that red carpet to meet other world leaders–mere mortals, what a sturdy gait! What gallant poise!
His outstretched arm extends a mighty hand to the premieres of Europe! His eyes shine down upon the princes of the Arab world! His voice calls out, booming, through radio speakers and television screens, giving new life to the oppressed of all colors, faiths and creeds.
Oh, what a weak word “diplomacy” is when cast in the shadow of our benevolent president! For he transcends the negotiations and policy papers of other pretenders. He will bring the olive branch. He will beat the swords into plowshares.
And so it abhors me, Nobel Committee, that you have chosen to condescend to President Obama by offering him the Peace Prize for this year. What a paltry honor! To place Obama in the low earthly ranks of such men as Martin Luther King, Jr, the Dalai Lama, Elie Wiesel and Nelson Mandela is to mitigate his prowess, his vision, his perfection.
Perhaps had you rescinded your awarding of last year’s prize to Martti Ahtisaari and awarded it retroactively to Obama for the enormous diplomatic potential he showed during the campaign season, we would have something to talk about. Who’s ever heard of Martti Ahtisaari? Everyone knows who Barack Obama is. He’s bigger than the Jonas Brothers.
Another option would be to create the Nobel Obama Prize, which would recognize Obama’s holy work around the globe, and award it to him every year. After all, to put Obama in competition with other people for a prize would imply that Obama exists in the same realm as those other people. Don’t be ridiculous.
Because when the rapture comes and Obama rides in on a throne of glory to deliver us to the City of God, you will want to be among the chorus of believers, not–Obama forbid–the wayward souls.
