Sage Advice for Troubled Times
Six months ago, I applied for what seemed like a reasonable loan-a flesh equity line of credit. When the pound-of-flesh bubble burst, I found myself with no assets and no ability to pay back the loan. What should I do?
Attached to It
Dear Attached,
At first glance, it may seem strange that your banker is being stingy. The problem is that your banker doesn’t really own your flesh any more. Instead, he’s chopped it up and sold the pieces as part of what’s called a Collateralized Flesh Obligation (CFO). So really, some of your flesh might belong to your bank, some might belong to King Phillip, some might belong to two gentlemen from Verona – who knows?
Yesterday my money manager told me that if I pricked him he would bleed, and I when I tried it, it turned out he was right! We have another meeting Wednesday to discuss moving capital into the money markets, and I was thinking of tickling of him, but I’m worried he might die. Any thoughts?
Inquisitive
Dear Inquisitive,
This is why they call economics an inexact science. I posed your question to Petruchio Carmona, a noted economist at the Padua Institute, who said, “If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not also bleed? Don’t they just pretty much bleed regardless?” Many economists, however, theorize that tickling him will make him cry tears made out of money, which could be beneficial for everyone. Whatever you decide, we suggest you break the ice by poisoning him until he laughs.
Like many of your readers, my CPA recently changed his religion so that a duke wouldn’t murder him. Can I still trust him with my money?
Puzzled
Dear Puzzled,
Sadly, your fears are well-founded. A beak-like nose, deceptive nature, and pair of well-concealed horns are requirements for any halfway-decent financial-services professional, but not sufficient. In this economy, I would keep your money where you can be 100% sure it will be safe: in the care of bloodthirsty stereotypes.
I know that lots of factors contributed to the economic collapse: greed, loose regulation, Jews, credit-rating agencies, Jews, subprime lending, low interest rates, Jews, and Jews, to name a few. But still, I’d feel so much better if there was somebody I could blame for all of this. Do you have any ideas?
Blameless
Dear Blameless,
That’s a tough one. Maybe the Jews?
