Sage Advice for Troubled Times
Greetings! Normally the questions you send to the “Ask The Rabbi” section of GoodJews.com are answered by The Rabbi. The Rabbi’s been looking a bit tired lately, so we took it upon ourselves to answer some of the questions for him.
Details have been changed to protect us. And don’t try Googling “Ask The Rabbi”, as there are five or six web features with that title. But believe us, these questions are really lifted from a real site.
What’s the secret to raising children who will stick to Jewish observance? Why is it that young men go through the whole system of yeshivas and then decide that they don’t want to become rabbis but would rather go to university?
Rachel
Good question, Rachel. For those readers who do not know, a yeshiva is an institution dedicated to the study of Talmud and Rabbinical literature. University, on the other hand, is where you get laid. Your question reminds me of one posed to the Baal Shem Tov, the founder of Chasidic Judaism. A woman why her son preferred playing stickball with his friends to spearing himself in the eye repeatedly with a Torah yad, as was a common practice at the time. The Rebbe smiled thoughtfully before saying, “Let me answer your question with a question: are you fucking kidding me?” So, Rachel, as we learn from the Baal Shem Tov, your question is not, in fact, a “good question,” but rather a retarded one. Your kid wants to experiment with drugs, get blown in the quad, experiment with blowing someone in the quad, and learn about the world. As Ishmael said to Abraham in Genesis 25:9, “Yeshiva sucks; I’m going to college and having a lot of sex.” Abraham prayed to God, who, in his infinite wisdom, allowed Ishmael to go to college, but condemned him to four years of celibacy by admitting him only to MIT. Rachel, my advice to you is to wake the fuck up. I mean, come on.
I have been married to a wonderful, kind and caring man for over two decades. Over the past few years I have taken an interest in a more traditional Jewish lifestyle and am committed to keeping a kosher kitchen. My husband, on the other hand, couldn’t be less interested. Do you have any words of wisdom for me?
Leah
Leah, you need to toss out your husband like you would a scale-less fish. Two decades of happy matrimony are no excuse for allowing animals on your kitchen table that do not have the decency to chew their own cud. In Jewish tradition, as GoodJews.com tells us, the woman is the “High Priest of the house who sets the tone for the spiritual dimensions of domestic living.” Since your husband gets to have a job and a real life, the least he can do is keep the fucking kalua pig out of your sad, sad kitchen.
Why does everything always go wrong?
Jacob
First of all, Jacob, I looked around the GoodJews.com “Ask The Rabbi” section, and you have, like, 60 questions on there. What’s the deal, Jacob? Consulting the GoodJews.com Rabbi isn’t like texting ChaCha. I think I have an idea why everything always goes wrong: you’re an idiot. I’m not trying to be mean, but, come on Jacob, figure some things out on your own. Wikipedia it for fuck’s sake. God isn’t making everything go wrong, Jacob. Your question is like a man in a quiet library who screams, “Why does everyone find me annoying?!” The question is pretty much the answer.
Is a Jew required to die rather than disobey a Torah command?
Benjamin
Pretty dramatic question, Benjamin. But the answer is obviously: yes. It is the Torah we’re talking about here, not a Starbucks customers-only bathroom policy – you can’t just break the rules whenever it’s convenient. These rules tell us how to live our lives. For instance, Deut. 13:16 commands that we “burn a city that has turned to idol worship.” Listen, Benjamin, if you see some Druids or whoever worshiping some rocks or something, you set them on fire, or you set yourself on fire. The Torah does not quibble about this. Or take Lev. 2:13: “you shall salt your animal sacrifices.” Now, anyone who watches Top Chef on Bravo knows that you must season your food. This is particularly true when serving meat to the Creator. If you’re not going to be Top Chef with a bland piece of lamb, then you certainly aren’t going to please the Almighty that way.
Benjamin, I’m going to let you in on a secret: I’m kidding. There are 613 commandments in the Torah; breaking most of them at some point is not a capital offense. Wait a minute, Ben, our GoodJews.com Rabbi friend seems to have already answered your question. He wrote: “With regard to the cardinal sins, including homosexuality, we are obligated to allow our lives to be sacrificed rather than transgress them.” OK, me again. Wow. I did not realize that, Rabbi. Benjamin, sorry to ignore you for a second, but I gotta get back to Jacob: Jacob, maybe the reason that everything always goes wrong is because you’re listening to this guy.
I hope I was able to help some of you out there. I’m going let The Rabbi step back in and do his thing. Get home safe.
