Mortal Combat in the Atemporal Battledome
Who would win in a fight, Jesus or Moses? We aren't about to go there. Intramural Jewish throw-downs are more our speed. Below, friends of New Voices predict the outcomes of physical confrontations between Jewish heroes, and a few arch-villains.
Jonathan Safran Foer vs. Phillip Roth
Roth begins by marrying a shiksa on the spot, substituting Foer’s forehead for the glass. Things get uncomfortable when, filled with self-disgust, Roth transforms into a female breast the size of a mailbox. Both agree not to tell their grandmothers what happened.
Aaron Nathan, Amherst College ’10
Golda Meir vs. Emma Goldman
Golda Meir wins, toasting Emma while smoking her signature Chesterfields. Golda knows how to raise money for guns from Milwaukee's Jewish Community. Emma does not.
Eli Rosenblatt, writer/translator.
Billy Joel vs. Bob Dylan
DON'T ASK ME WHY, but if you think Billy Joel will prevail, YOU MAY BE RIGHT. Let's face it; he's a BIG SHOT who can take the PRESSURE. In the end, expect Dylan to crumble JUST LIKE A WOMAN and crawl back to his SUBTERRANEAN HOME….SICK BLUES no longer flowing from his once-fertile pen.
Michael Alpern, Liz’s Dad
The Lubavitcher Rebbe vs. Karl Marx
The Rebbe and Karl Marx, that would be one hell of a fight, if only because the ref would have to check beard violations. I just imagine the Rebbe ripping through Karl's mane, and in return, Karl shredding Menachem Mendel's facelocks, chewing on them, getting jaded on the masses' opium. In the end, a draw, two exhausted messiahs embrace on the floor of the ring, kissing each other's cheeks.
Eli Rosenblatt
Spinoza vs. Maimonedes
Spinoza. Lens grinding and avoiding the Dutch Jews left him in top shape. Though Maimonedes was a doctor, and thus familiar with knives, his esoteric style and outdated metaphysics was no match for Spinoza’s blinding light of reason.
Professor Elliot Ratzman, Princeton University
Ruth Bader Ginsburg vs. Roy Cohn
Ginsburg kicks Cohn in the balls.
Aaron Nathan
