Too horrible to be included in the biblical canon, the apocryphal Book of Jerahmeel provides a spine-chilling breakdown of events in the 15 days leading up to the apocalypse. Blood and gore, flame and flood, walking corpses and screeching sea demons\xe2\x80″it’s going to be a rough one, folks. Jehrameel’s roid-rage-style prophecy makes the Book of Revelations look about as scary as the Teacup Ride at Disneyland.
But wait! Before you go off to cower and snivel under the bed, remember that a certain off-beat publication still has your back. True, Yahweh might be a little miffed at you, what with all the whoring after other gods and guzzling of shellfish, not to mention what you’re doing to your mother, but your journalistic buddies would like to see you make it. And so, as a reward to our loyal readers, New Voices presents a guide to surviving the ultimate worst-case scenario.
…the sea will issue forth from the limit of its boundary over all its shores and the water will rise to forty cubits above the high mountains and will stand like a wall\xe2\x80\xa6
1. Insert bendy drinking straw in mouth.
2. Rotate straw so that end points upwards above water level.
3. Breathe normally (Note: Do not play with the bendy part of the straw. It will crack and let in forty cubits’ worth of sea water).
If this does not work:
1. Remove water wings from nearest child.
2. Use as needed.
\xe2\x80\xa6the sea will then subside and dry up\xe2\x80\xa6man, beast, and bird will weep for water until they drip blood from their eyes and all the trees and the grasses will drip blood…
1. Drink alcohol.
2. Have another.
True, this will further dehydrate you, but it should also take your mind off your hemorrhaging eyeballs.
\xe2\x80\xa6 the houses and the cliffs will fall \xe2\x80\xa6
1. Do not stand under any cliffs.
2. If you do stand under a cliff and it starts to fall, scream/daven at such an amplitude and frequency as to shatter the rocks plummeting down toward you. Try to stay above 140 decibels at all times. (A handy rule of thumb\xe2\x80″you can work out a ratio in decibels from the voltage function: N(dB) = 20 x log(V1/V2) where V1 and V2 are the two voltage levels, and the power level is proportional to the square of the voltage logarithm.)
\xe2\x80\xa6all the stones will be smashed and melt\xe2\x80\xa6and the trees and stones will cry out as a human cry\xe2\x80\xa6
1. Affix lava bib.
2. Mock liquefying stones by crying out “I’m melting! I’m melting!” in the voice of the Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz.
This will not help you to survive, but it will be funny. And laughter is the music of the soul.
\xe2\x80\xa6heaven and earth will be burnt and melt in the great fire and be destroyed.
1. Turn palms skyward.
2. Raise arms above head, repeat.
3. Rhythmically chant: “the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire\xe2\x80\xa6”
4. Let motherf-cker burn.
