It’s a situation you dread–but we’ve all been there. You’ve led a righteous life, your family studied Torah, and you always gave tzedakah. You’ve finally made it through the final judgment to the messianic age. You’re ready to take a load off and pop som Hot-Pockets in the toaster–when you suddenly realize you’ve got sixteen generations of resurrected relatives (not to mention in-laws!) joining you in the world to come. And–uh oh–you’ve got absolutely nothing to serve them for dinner.
Don’t panic. Simply clip out this recipe (you may wish to laminate it—the end of the world can be surprisingly messy!) and keep with you at all times. When you make it to the world to come, just whip it out and follow these simple instructions.
You’ll Need:
– One Pickled Leviathan. Get this from God. At the beginning of the world, he created a male and a female Leviathan—immense fish that ruled the sea and terrorized all the little guppies. Worried that if he allowed them to procreate, the Leviathans would leave no other creatures left in the sea, God (not being conversant with alternative forms of birth control) killed the female and pickled her in brine. Then he put her aside for the world to come, where the righteous can chow down on her. So don’t be shy—if you’ve been good, that old fish is yours.
– One Freshly-Slaughtered Leviathan. The remaining Leviathan was left to rule the sea alone, until the world ended, at which point God planned to signal him to fight with the Behemoth.
– One Freshly-Slaughtered Behemoth. This gigantic ox is the land-lubbing counterpart to the Leviathan (having learned a lesson, God neutered the Behemoths so they would lose the urge to procreate and start watching Oprah). When God signals the Leviathan and Behemoth to fight, they’ll kill each other–and that’s where you come in.
– Matzoh Meal. Cleverly designed to taste stale no matter how fresh it is, you can count on matzoh meal to make it through to the next world.
– Salt and Pepper to taste.
Serves: All righteous Jews.
Preparation Time: Eternity.
To Prepare:
1. Skin freshly-slaughtered Leviathan and construct sukkah to shield relatives from glow of messianic age. (Tip: wearing dishwashing gloves helps to protect manicure.)
2. Mash pickled Leviathan, season to taste, and stuff back into skin before serving. Be sure to remove bones—relatives that have been dead for more than half a century are likely to have digestive difficulties.
3. Stew head of male Leviathan to make fumet, and simmer with meatballs of fresh Behemoth flesh. Be sure the balls float at the surface of the soup; there’s nothing like a dense Behemoth ball to spoil the appetite!
4. As the righteous enjoy your appetizers, get out your trusty crockpot—highly likely to survive Armageddon—and throw together a Behemoth Brisket. Slice Behemoth flanks and season to taste. Animals are several millennia old, so make sure to stew until tender; you’ll be eating this meal until the end of time.
