Family is truly important to Jewish identity, and nothing more important than the notions of “Father” and “Mother.” But – though we may take these roles for granted – the basic biological concept of a Father or Mother is not enough to truly be considered a parent.
To truly understand my Jewish identity, you must become acquainted with my family. I am part of the growing “half-breeds,” Jews whose families are cleaved down the middle on religion issues. My father, born and bred Jewish, is secular. My mother was born a Lutheran Christian, but converted in an ill-conceived attempt to please my grandparents (who, it turned out, hardly cared anyway). My mother’s family has always had it hard; along with her four brothers, she was abandoned her father when she was very young, and later the siblings were kicked out of their house. At one point, the father came back to ask for two of the children, claiming that they were the only “worthwhile” ones. Needless to say, they have dealt with many hardships and much confusion about family loyalties.
Born Jewish within this complicated framework, I felt a responsibility to myself and to my people to learn as much as possible about my identity, yet, as is often the case, the more I learned, the more questions arose. During the vacation known to half of my family as “Christmas break,” after a night with the uncles at a bar, I had a brief discussion with my uncle Mark about his father. He asked me how, as a good Christian, he could obey the fifth commandment, how he could honor his father after all his father had done. I replied that I didn’t know about Christian interpretation, but that as I understood the rules of Shalom Bayit – literally “the peace of the house” – parents must meet certain requirements before they have to be honored in that fashion. These are (as later explained to me by a friend) kesut, providing basic clothing, and she’er, providing sustenance. As I understood his father’s neglect in those regards, I told him that he owed his biological father absolutely nothing. Mark smiled, cried and thanked me for helping him. He later sent me an e-mail telling me that he felt more at peace with this issue than he had in many decades.
I am satisfied with this answer as well. Like all things in this life, we are beings of choice; it’s one thing to plant a seed, but one must choose to be an honorable parent as one must choose one’s ideological lifestyle, and one must certainly be held accountable for one’s intentional choices.
