Jew Shocked To Discover Favorite Dreidel Made in China
Teaneck, NJ—”What the fuck?” area Jew Jerry Berger exclaimed yesterday evening on discovering the “Made in China” mark carved into the plastic surface of his favorite Hanukkah dreidel. Berger, who has delighted in the dreidel since receiving it as a gift from girlfriend Shoshana Cohen during last year’s festival of lights, quickly moved from shock to outrage.
“Jews are being persecuted around the world, Israel’s economy is in the crapper, and we’re buying our dreidels from China?” said Berger, knuckles turning white as his fist tightened around the offending novelty. \t\t
Within minutes, Berger was at his computer organizing an internet petition against manufacturer Tchotkes R’ Us. He vows not to relent until all its dreidels are made in Jerusalem, in a factory adjoining the Wailing Wall by settler rabbis bussed in from the farthest reaches of the occupied territories.
Neighbor’s Side Locks Coveted
Skokie, IL—”Y’know, those little dangly things are pretty sweet,” Skokie resident Stuart Johnson thought to himself this morning, gazing longingly at neighbor Nachum Goldberg’s lustrous peyos as he sat parked in his driveway. “Yeah, I think those would look pretty good on me actually,” Johnson mused, oblivious to his already being 35 minutes late for work.
Unbeknownst to himself, the 28-year-old Lutheran accountant has been subconsciously coveting Goldberg’s spectacular side locks for the entire three and a half months since the Goldbergs moved in next door. “I wonder if he puts any kind of product in those bad boys,” Johnson ruminated, absentmindedly twirling the scant hair of his left sideburn with his index finger. Experts say his is the worst case of peyos envy they have seen in years.
Simon Cowell Unimpressed by Bar-Mitzvah Performance
Beverly Hills, CA—Taking time out from his judging duties on FOX’s “American Idol,” viper-tongued British music executive Simon Cowell expressed his deep disgust after hearing Jeremy Freilich’s Bar Mitzvah performance at Temple Ohr Hateed on Saturday afternoon. “That was absolutely dreadful,” said Cowell, slouching in the congregation’s front row in his talis, arms crossed. “Your haftorah was ghastly, your musaf was miserable, and your maftir made me want to vomit.”
While most of the audience sat stunned, a few defiant voices cried “Mazel Tov,” prompting scattered applause. “Mazel tov?” Cowell responded. “More like ‘Mangle tov.’ If you were my son, I’d disown you. Seriously.” Unable to withstand Cowell’s withering critique, Freilich soon broke down in tears on the bimah, blubbering “I did my best” in between sobs. “Well I’m sorry,” replied Cowell. “This isn’t about doing your best. This is about finding the next boy worthy of initiation into Jewish manhood.” Cowell then shrugged as the audience booed him vigorously.
Asked by a still distraught Freilich for constructive criticism, Cowell answered: “I don’t mean to be rude but the only chance you’ve got of making it in this religion is to find an all-deaf minyan.” Sources close to the Freilich family say Cowell will not be receiving a complimentary “I survived Jeremy’s Bar Mitzvah Bash” T-shirt.
