Geraldo Unable to Grow Full Beard—Rejected by Jews
Manhattan, NY – Only a few short months after proclaiming “I think the Jews need me right now” as he prepared to wed his Jewish fiancée, Geraldo Rivera was roundly rejected on Monday by a learned council of respected Orthodox, Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist, and secular elders representing the world’s 15 million Jews.
“He’s treyf. No doubt about it,” declared Rabbi Izzy Noodlebaum, emerging from Shmuel’s Kosher Eatery on the Lower East Side following the council’s deliberations. “The Jews need Geraldo like my daughter needs a bris.”
The emergency body was convened in haste last week amidst allegations from Rivera’s disgruntled one-time barber that the mustachioed television personality is incapable of growing a full beard. “What kind of girly-man is this?” Lubavitch Rabbi Menachem Gefiltepetzel wondered aloud as he twirled his own prodigious brush of facial hair around his curled fingers. “Every Jewish male must be able to produce follicles from his cheek to his chin. That nasty little cookie duster isn’t going to cut it.”
“I like to go clean-shaven myself,” added beardless Reform congregation leader Shmendrik Blaustein. “But should the Jewish people ever need my whiskers to lash together another Ark or weave hair shirts in preparation for the apocalypse, I shall cast out my Gillette Mach 3. We need Geraldo and that gamey growth on his lip like the Pope needs Trojans and a drum of spermicide.”
Reportedly devastated by the communal blackballing, Rivera has secluded himself in a small broom closet at Fox News’ 43rd Street headquarters. The room—normally reserved for conservative firebrand Bill O’Reilly’s chewing furniture—is now filled with the sound of Rivera’s incessant sobbing. The trickle of Just For Men issuing from behind the door and pooling at reporters’ feet indicates his mustache has long since been saturated with salty tears.
Should Rivera ever emerge from his self-imposed solitude, he will be facing divorce proceedings brought by wife Erica Levin. “He’s neither mensch nor man,” said a tearful, visibly pregnant Levin in an appearance on the Jerry Springer show. “I need Geraldo like he needs to know Jerry’s the real baby daddy.” Her statement provoked prolonged hooting and hollering from the audience, followed by rhythmic chanting of Springer’s first name.
Bagel Agreement Violated
Scarsdale, NY – “May this full-fat cream cheese clog the occupationist arteries of your heart and cause your Zionist thighs to become chunky and cellulite-ridden,” muttered deli worker Waked Habibi in Arabic, channeling his rage over Israeli mistreatment of his Palestinian brethren into an intentional mis-execution of customer Leah Goldstein’s breakfast order.
“My sincerest wish,” Habibi continued, momentarily forcing a polite smile as Goldstein lifted her gaze, “is that this high cholesterol snack shall steal from you your girlish figure just as your murderous cohorts stole the land of Palestine from my forefathers in the horror of Al-Nakbah [‘the catastrophe’].” While Goldstein, a twenty-four-year-old Scarsdale native, studied her nails, Habibi gleefully smothered her bagel with whole fat cream cheese in direct contravention of a negotiated agreement reached only moments before.
Despite an initial exchange of cordial greetings upon Goldstein’s entry to the deli, relations deteriorated rapidly soon after Habibi spotted the Star of David emblem hanging from her necklace. “Does this miserable Jezebel think I will bow in supplication before her every culinary demand?” Habibi asked himself. “No, I will not genuflect and submit to her desires like some cowardly food-service Sadat.”
Habibi then proceeded to prepare Goldstein’s bagel, his stream of rage-filled invective continuing unabated: “I pray to Allah that my hands be infected with a virulent botulism that will tear at the lining of your stomach just as your butchering IDF brothers tear up the olive groves of my people.”
Oblivious to Habibi’s tirade, Goldstein stood at the counter staring vacantly into the distance. “Like the illegal checkpoints that have cut my land to pieces,” Habibi fumed as the insistent ring of Goldstein’s cell phone woke her from her reverie, “so shall my hand slice this bagel jaggedly and unevenly, forcing you to chew bitterly on the unmanageable sections that result.”
“Oh my god!” shrieked Goldstein into the receiver. “I can’t believe she wore the same dress as you. What a b-tch!”
“Have nice day,” said Habibi, handing Goldstein her foil-wrapped breakfast. “My deepest desire is that you should choke on this quality gourmet bagel I have prepared for you,” he added in Arabic as Goldstein made her way out.
“The bagels from this deli are so great!” Goldstein mused over the phone, munching contentedly, “the low fat cream cheese tastes so much like regular, I swear you can’t tell the difference!”
