PALESTINIAN STUDENT PROTESTS OCCUPIED LAVATORY
“Is there no relief from Zionist aggression?” cried Princeton University student Mohammed Khoury as he stood beside a locked bathroom stall occupied by Israeli comparative literature professor Zvi Kupfelman. “How can the world stand by and allow my most basic human rights to be violated by this illegitimate occupation?” Khoury demanded of three fellow students making use of the adjacent urinals.
The stand-off began at 10:15 eastern time in Clapp Hall’s 10th floor men’s restroom when Kupfelman, clutching a copy of the Daily Princetonian, carried out his incursion into the restroom’s one working lavatory. “This flatulent interloper has seized my rightful place!” an outraged Khoury protested. He then appealed to the Arab League and the international community to remedy the “gross injustice.” “It stinks to high heaven!” roared Khoury, causing a student standing next to the hand-dryer to stare at him quizzically. “This loathsome invasion is in flagrant violation of United Nations Security Council Resolution 232 and a half, which expressly forbids the seizure of lavatories, outhouses, and other sanitary amenities.”
But Kupfelman, perched defiantly on the lavatory unit’s black plastic seat, refused to yield to Khoury’s demands. “Contrary to Mr. Khoury’s claims, this is a ‘disputed,’ not an ‘occupied’ lavatory, and its future must be determined through final-status negotiations, not potty-mouthed threats,” said Kupfelman, his voice muffled but audible through the bathroom door. “[Egyptian-born engineering professor] Hosni Sadat and [Jordanian-born philosophy professor] Abdullah Hussein have both held sway over this lavatory for years without any objection from Mr. Khoury or his cohorts.”
Speaking from his office in Gaza City, Palestinian spokesman Saeb Eraket condemned the Israeli’s actions. “This latest reoccupation will open the floodgates of our rage. As a fellow Palestinian, I know how truly desperate Mr. Khoury must feel.” Moments later, IDF representative Moshe Gissin responded, reading from a prepared statement: “Professor Kupfelman will stay where he is for as long as he deems it necessary to complete his legitimate business.”
In a hastily convened press conference, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer pressed for calm on both sides. “We urge Professor Kupfelman to exercise restraint in his use of the lavatory. This administration remains committed to a Palestinian state of greater ease and comfort, and a right of relief for all Palestinians and Israelis.”
ARAFAT TRANSFERS KEY POWERS TO OWN KAFFIYAH
Responding to intense international pressure to withdraw from day-to-day governance, Palestinian Authority Chairman Yasser Arafat transferred several key powers to his own kaffiyah last night in a quiet ceremony at his Ramallah headquarters. The trusted black and white head garment has been Arafat’s constant companion since the outset of his struggle for Palestinian liberation and post-alopecic dignity.
Under its new title of “prime covering,” Arafat’s kaffiyah will wield considerable influence over all textile and cloth-related matters. While Arafat remains head of the Palestinian Authority, his kaffiyah will have final say on all-important questions of width, texture and color-coordination.
The kaffiyah’s appointment has come as a surprise to many PA insiders. Long considered to be only on the fringes of Arafat’s inner circle, it was rumored to have recently lost favor. But in a press conference early this morning, Arafat dismissed any suggestion that relations between himself and his kaffiyah had become frayed: “I assure you that I have absolute confidence in my kaffiyah. Its record is spotless, without stain or blemish. No one has been closer to me during my long years of service to the Palestinian cause. No one has been more willing to facilitate impromptu games of late night chess and tic-tac-toe.” Resting silently on Arafat’s head, the kaffiyah steadfastly refused to answer questions.
Though reputed to be a dyed in the wool moderate, Israeli intelligence officials claim the kaffiyah has a checkered past. Under its nom de guerre, Abu Rogain, the kaffiyah was allegedly instrumental in the 1972 attempted smothering of Ziggy Dayan, an Israeli hair plug salesman whose shoddy products are said to have angered Arafat greatly.
On the Palestinian side, there has been grumbling from rivals within Arafat’s Fatah party that the kaffiyah is nothing more than a stuffed shirt. But aides to the kaffiyah deny these allegations, insisting the veteran freedom fighter “is, always has been, and always will be a single, three foot by three foot section of hand-woven fabric.”
