Feud Tears at Delicate Membrane of Moheling Community
In the latest escalation of their already bitter feud, Moishe “Shear Genius” Scheerson lashed out at rival mohel and one-time protegé Paysach “2 Klose” Klozinsky during an impromptu mid-bris tirade this past Tuesday. “I taught that [expletive] everything he know about the game,” said Scheerson, furiously stabbing the air for emphasis with his ritual izmail blade. Apparently oblivious to the agonized screams of eight-day-old Jonah Klein, Scheerson suggested that Klozinsky take his “butchering punk-ass back to the Hebrew National factory.”
Scheerson’s onslaught did not come unprovoked. Only a week before, Klozinsky opined that Scheerson has been “slippin’” for some time. “His cuts be decidedly cut-rate,” said Klozinsky, smoking a Philly blunt and sipping Crystal champagne in his gold-plated Jacuzzi as all around him buxom, nubile midwives clad in string-bikinis jiggled to the beat of klezmer music.
Klozinsky instigated the feud during last year’s festival of lights by taunting Scheerson in an open letter entitled “I got yo’ bris,” published in industry newsletter The Foreward. Klozinsky bragged that the extra “Hannuka Geld” provided by Scheerson’s lost business had “put diamond rims” on his Bentley. Scheerson struck back at January’s “Steady Hand” Awards, mocking Klozinsky for his use of anesthesia. “You think Abraham used EMLA?” Scheerson roared from the stage. “I came to bring the pain, son. I shove those baby Tylenols up yo [expletive].” The evening ended in debacle when Klozinsky was declared “Mohel of the Moment,” causing a fracas to erupt between Scheerson and Klozinsky’s respective posses.
“It used to be all about the foreskins,” commented Fuyvush Petseleh, editor of mohel-culture magazine Slice. “Now it’s about who has the most ‘juice.’” Petseleh appealed to both sides to settle their dispute for the sake of the moheling community. “This feud is an open wound. We can’t allow it to fester.”
Jewish Scheming Hits All Time Low
After several years of rapid decline, the rate of Jewish scheming has reached a historical low. The announcement was made in a tense press conference yesterday by grave-faced officials of United Jewish Conspiracies. “This marks a troubling nadir for the ingenuity and resourcefulness of the Jewish people,” said UJC Director Sheisty Cohen, eyes shifting rapidly from one corner of the room to the other. “The fix is out.”
“All indicators are down—bribery, collusion, subterfuge…” said Chaim Macher, professor of applied shenanigans at Johns Hopkins University. “For a community that once held the stock market and World Series in its underhanded grasp, this is pure humiliation.”
“We’re not doing enough to teach our children the value of scheming,” complained concerned parent Hetty Zuckerman. “I remember when you could walk into any deli on the Lower East Side and see a Jewish financier cackling over a stock report while drumming his fingers together in conspiratorial glee.” Zuckerman blames TV virtue for the fall-off: “Every day my kids are bombard with graphic images of honesty and moral rectitude. What’s a Jewish mother to do?”
The decline in duplicity has not escaped the notice of outside observers. “Certainly, the devious, deceitful influence of the two-faced, hook-nosed Jew has diminished,” said Reverand Strom Scruggings of the white-supremacist World Church of the Creator. Nation of Islam Minister Ali Muhammad agreed: “I must admit that our Jewish oppressors’ efforts to keep the black man down have become a little lack-luster lately.”
In response to the crisis, Jewish National Fiends announced plans to devote more resources to shadowy cabals, clandestine plots, and crooked acts of chicanery. Yet JNF Spokesman Dubi Ossman expressed doubt that many people would hear about the new initiatives. “Let’s face it,” he said wistfully. “We barely even control the media anymore.”
