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A New Generation of Internet Matchmakers Takes Aim at the Non-Orthodox Masses
 Dov Torbin Based on a model pioneered by SawYouAtSinai.com , JRetroMatch joins customers with real live matchmakers who search the company's database for suitable mates. While SawYouAtSinai is marketed for the Orthodox community, JRetroMatch takes aim at the Jewish masses, the Conservative and Reform Jews who might otherwise be found on more traditional Jewish dating sites like JDate . The site proposes to tame the wilderness of the profile-based Internet dating services with sage advice, fewer choices, and a strong focus on marriage. But whether a mostly-abandoned tradition that exists in direct defiance of generations of changing courtship patterns can thrive on the Web remains an open question. Such uncertainty did not dissuade Jacob Kossoff. "From 1997 through about 2005, my hookups and girlfriends had no long-term potential," says the 26-year-old economist. "If you aren't so discerning about whom you spend your nights with, putting in an effort to widen the pool of girls you meet is a waste of time." In 2006, Kossoff, decided to get serious. Interested in meeting "a wonderful woman who would be an excellent wife to me and mother to our children," he took a step that only a few years ago would have been unheard of outside of the Orthodox community. He decided to hire a matchmaker. Logging on to the JRetroMatch service, which costs approximately $15 a month, Kossoff filled out a private profile with information on his Jewish observance, personality, interests, and dating history. From there, he was taken to a page that lists the site's matchmakers. The selection was comprised mostly of women, including a rabbi, a few former health care professionals, and lots of trained social workers. Men are generally part of matchmaking couples, working in tandem with their wives. Once a matchmaker was selected and the connection made, the matchmaker called for a half-hour introductory conversation. From there, it was off to the races. The matchmaker began to search for matches that were geographically proximate and generally compatible. Kossoff had no say whatsoever in who he was shown since, unlike JDate and other Jewish sites, only matchmakers get to see individuals' profiles. The matchmaker stayed in touch with Kossoff as he went from accepting matches to going on dates to going on second dates and so forth. After each date, Kossoff gave his matchmaker a rundown of his experience so that she was able develop an increasingly nuanced sense of personal preferences and dating style. By the end of the process, Kossoff was engaged to Ilene Harris, a 26-year-old teacher. Not all matches are so easily made. Frequently, the process involves breaking down the client's preconceived notions regarding their ideal match. According to Karen Grinberg, a matchmaker on the site, client expectations are often too rigid. "During that initial phone call, I always try to get members to expand parameters like age and height range and to push them to see how far they'll go," Grinberg says. "If you expand parameters, you'll have a better chance of getting matches." As it turns out, a member's willingness to widen his or her criteria for a match is often the final litmus test for the otherwise vague concept of "relationship readiness." As Grinberg points out, a man who won't accept matches that aren't blonde and blue-eyed may be less interested in a committed relationship than he claims in his profile. Similarly, a woman who refuses to entertain the idea of dating someone who didn't attend an Ivy League university for his doctorate might also lack the fundamental flexibility that's necessary for forming a committed relationship. When a matchmaker on JRetroMatch observes these kinds of rigidity, they won't hesitate to tell their clients that they don't think the time for a relationship is right. "Then we provide them with a full refund," says Matchmaking Coordinator Rebecca Benjamin. The selectivity of the site, particularly its maintenance of a private member database, is what makes it significantly different from other Jewish and non-Jewish dating sites. "Some people will email three dozen members on JDate and only get one response, " says Benjamin. Could that be because, um, the suitor in question is simply undesirable? Benjamin doesn't think so. Rather, she says, the low-response rate is simply a product of an over saturated Jewish dating market. For lots of daters, she says, "it's like there's so much that there's nothing." Still, this theory of Jewish dating burnout raises a new question: is online matchmaking a last resort for people who can't get dates on web meat market sites like JDate? For Ilene Harris, Jacob Kossoff's fiancé, the answer is a definitive no. Harris says that the only thing that embarrassed her about joining JRetroMatch was that it made her relationship aspirations particularly apparent. "I think that the stigma... [came from] acknowledging that one is making a conscious choice to find a [permanent] mate," she says. In other words, whereas sites like JDate might enable more casual dating and hookups amongst Jews, the matchmaking approach at JRetroMatch creates an atmosphere in which even non-Orthodox Jewish are serious about finding husbands and wives. And yet, even for the most marriage-minded, isn't matchmaking still a little too old-fashioned for today's hip, savvy, autonomous web-singles? Benjamin doesn't seem to think so. "Even for modern people, casual matchmaking never really fell out of fashion," she says. The notion of being set up doesn't seem to raise as many "old and desperate" red flags as the idea of hiring a matchmaker. Yet, empirically, the practices of being set-up and hiring a matchmaker are identical. For the site, the Internet is an advertising vehicle instead of an organizing principle. While the openness of JDate mirrors that of the Internet, JRetroMatch represents a pre-Internet business with a website. As such, the question of whether such a concept can exist on the Web is relatively moot. As long as young Jews feel lost in the ways of love, there will be a place for Jewish matchmakers. Of course, with the replacement of bored bubbes with hired matchmakers, relationship readiness assessments, and profile matching, these matchmakers are a far cry from the matchmakers of old. Not exactly, says Grinberg. "Yenta's part of my screen name, actually."
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