Press Release From the Office of Pharaoh on the Occasion of the Fifth Plague – New Vices

“And [the Pharaoh] said unto his people, ‘Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we: Come, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us.’”

-Shemot 1:9-10

“The Israeli Arabs are a time bomb. Their slide into complete Palestinization has made them an emissary of the enemy that is among us. They are a potential fifth column. In both demographic and security terms they are liable to undermine the state. So that if Israel again finds itself in a situation of existential threat, as in 1948, it may be forced to act as it did then.”

-Benny Morris, Haaretz, 2004

“How can we negotiate with these people when they can’t elect real leadership?” | [Public Domain], via Pixabay

This morning, as millions of law-abiding Egyptians were still shaking froglets and tadpoles from the folds of their robes, farmers in the Nile floodplains awoke to find their cattle dead. In a few weeks’ time, these farmers will have no milk to sell, no meat to eat, and no skins to tan. This is an unjustifiable attack on Egyptian agribusiness, and it betrays the Hebrews’ utter lack of investment in the emancipation process.

No doubt, critics the world over – most of them closeted anti-Nubians – will continue to condemn Egyptian policy in Goshen despite this clear case of Hebrew aggression. To those who accuse us of inadequate negotiation efforts with the Hebrews, we ask – who will be our negotiation partner? Will it be Moses? Leftist agitators praise his commitment to non-violence, but he is, in reality, an unelected religious fundamentalist who talks to shrubs and was forced to flee Egyptian territory under suspicion of murder. Will it be Yahweh? Even his followers admit he is unreasonable and quick to anger. LGBTQ+ folks enjoy complete freedom in Egypt, but Yahweh is well known for his brutal attacks on Sodom and Gomorrah. Will it be Miriam? She’s a girl. How can we negotiate with these people when they can’t elect real leadership?

Egypt has given the world writing, mathematics, air conditioning, papyrus, and “Papyrus.” What is the Hebrew contribution to world civilization? Circumcision? When Hebrews are injured on our worksites, are they not treated at Egyptian hospitals by Egyptian doctors? The Hebrews accuse us of discrimination, but ask them to point out one Semitic country that has had an Egyptian as viceroy. They demand to “return” to “their land” – brandish at us the keys to their huts back in Shiloh and Gibeah – but every scholar acknowledges that a Hebrew return to that territory would bring about the swift collapse of the world’s only Canaanite state.

Students of history will remember that it was the Hebrews who came to us Egyptians begging for wheat, not the other way around. After months of attacks on our civilians, it should be clear to the whole world that peace will only come when the Hebrews love their children more than they hate our cattle.

Jonathan Gelernter, class of 2018, is pursuing an English major and Judaic studies minor at SUNY Binghamton.

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