It’s no secret that the war for Israel currently has two fronts: the Middle East and American university campuses. Jewish students feel increasingly threatened and intimidated by anti-Israel activity on campus that too often crosses the line into anti-Semitism, as seen recently in incidents at UC Davis and UCLA. All people concerned with the future of the Jewish people and the Jewish State have the responsibility to act to protect students, our future, from harm. As the only national magazine written by and for Jewish college students, we at New Voices take personally the urgent need for positive action.
This is why, in the spirit of Hillel’s recent partnership with AIPAC and the spirit of brotherhood and love for the People and Land of Israel that unites all Jews, the Jewish Student Press Service and New Voices Magazine are thrilled to announce today our new strategic partnership with the Zionist Organization of America to further promote love of Israel on campus.
Yes, we have had our share of bad blood and disagreements in the past, but the threat we currently face is bigger than that. As it becomes increasingly clear that Israel is under attack from all sides, when even the White House and much of the Democratic Party have joined the BDS movement in refusing to hear the Prime Minister of Israel—who, in winning his most recent election by 9%, naturally and legitimately fills the role of ambassador of the entire Jewish People–educate them on Iranian intelligence, we have now come to the painful realization that that fear loitering around the backs of all liberal Jews’ minds is actually true: Every non-Jew instinctively hates Jews, thus all critique of Israel is inherently anti-Semitic, therefore Israel must be supported and defended at all costs. When it comes to survival, no slight is too minor to ignore and no supposed “flaw” is too big to acknowledge.
Like New Voices, the ZOA is more concerned with truth than popularity and has never been afraid of calling out the Jewish establishment for not living up to its values. Perhaps it is this radical spirit that makes its campus branch, ZOA on Campus, so popular. Under our new partnership, New Voices will revive their campus publication, The Campus Zionist, infusing it with the smart, hip, anti-establishment attitude we’re famous for. Examples of articles in the works include: “Both Sides the Jordan: Considering Israel with Rabbi Jabotinsky,” “Who Speaks for America’s Jews? Ambassador Dermer, Duh!” “What’s Behind Israel’s Veil? Even More Awesomeness!” and “The *Real* Real Scandal of Open Hillel.” The seeds for a bright Zionist future will thus be planted in the fertile soil of Jewish student’s young minds, watered by their bleeding hearts.
Not to worry, newvoices.org will remain a stalwart of student empowerment. Students will still be free to pitch any article they like to our new editor, ZOA executive director, Mort Klein. He will then re-educate the author on Israel when necessary and patiently work with them to produce a more accurate, balanced version of the article for eventual publication in New Voices. Thanks to the ZOA’s larger promotional budget, New Voices content will now also reach thousands more Jewish students nationwide, educating and empowering them to bring the kind of intelligent, nuanced discourse on Israel the ZOA is known for to campus. No longer will Jewish/Zionist students be silenced, intimidated, or threatened.
“The Jewish Student Press Service had a nice run at with that whole ‘progressive’ shtick, but like all college students, the time has come for it to settle down, wise up, and live in fear,” Klein said. “We at the ZOA received at least 180 times more funding from the Jewish community than they did last year– the Jewish People have clearly spoken and this is what they want. And to be perfectly candid, I’m embarrassed for them that they didn’t get the message after we elected Netanyahu for his third term.”
“This couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time,” New Voices executive director Derek M. Kwait said. “You know, Purim and Jews coming together to kill our enemies and all that.”
Together, we will make history. Together, we will celebrate the rebirth of the State and the People of Israel and delegitimize those who seek to delegitimize us. Together, we will win the battle for the hearts and minds of the Jewish future before it’s too late.
The only question left is: Are you with us or are you against us?
DISCLAIMER: This is a Purim parody press release. Any resemblance to real Jewish non-profit mergers is entirely coincidental.
Derek M. Kwait graduated from the University of Pittsburgh and is editor in chief of New Voices.