Presbyterian Divestment Works, Israel Stands Down, Palestine Goes Free

July 6, 2014: The recent decision of the Presbyterian Church (USA) to divest from three companies, Caterpillar, Hewlett-Packard, and Motorola, it sees as playing an instrumental role in Israel’s occupation of the Palestinian Territories, has succeeded beyond the church’s wildest expectations, ending the occupation and bringing about peaceful co-existence between Israelis and Palestinians mere weeks after its passage.

Without investment from the Presbyterian Church (USA), the companies, Hewlett-Packard. Caterpillar, and Motorola, suffered a financial and public-relations blow from which they they will never recover. The weight of the millions of dollars lost from contracts with the Presbyterian Church (USA), besides the enormous political weight behind other protesting organizations like the ASA, caused these corporations to declare bankruptcy over the weekend and brought the Israeli government to its knees.

“The financial bankruptcy these companies declared last week was redundant—they had already declared moral bankruptcy the second they decided to sell their wares to the rogue Zionist regime,” a church spokesperson said.

“It finished us,” Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu said at a ceremony at the controversial separation wall dividing Jewish Israeli from Palestinian territory. “Finding new companies to do our bidding was not an option, as the superior quality of these companies’ products made them ideal for oppressing Palestinians. Other firms’ products simply aren’t well-made enough to oppress Palestinians in the way we feel they need to be oppressed, so it’s just not worth it anymore. Our jig is up. Israeli troops are vacating Palestine starting immediately.  And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those pesky American Presbyterians and their friends at Jewish Voice for Peace,” he said, then took a sledgehammer to the wall in the first ceremonial step towards tearing it down.

“Thanks to the Presbyterian Church (USA), my people are now, at last, free,” a teary Mahmoud Abbas said upon being elected the State of Palestine’s first Prime Minister, adding that he looks forward to working with his “partners Hamas” to form a new unity government “for the good of our people.” To the surprise of many, he then announced his first official act would be converting to Presbyterianism.  “Their strategy for helping my people find peace was better than mine, so it follows that their vision of God must be better than mine, too,” he said.

“Though we certainly never expected this, we welcome Mr. Abbas into our community with open arms. Never underestimate the power of prayer,” a PC(USA) spokesperson said.

The scene on the street in Israel and Palestine is no less surprising—Jews and Arabs everywhere are dropping their animosities and their guns to embrace one another. “Though I originally considered anything reeking of BDS anti-Semitic, the Presbyterian Church (USA)’s tough love has wakened me to the truth. Who cares if my ancestors might have lived here 2,000 years ago, I was born in New Jersey, while their families have lived on this land for generations. This is ridiculous,” Dina ben Gideon, a Jewish resident of Hebron, said, as she and her family packed their bags to move to what she now calls “the right side of the Green Line.”  “To Palestinian people everywhere, I say, I’m sorry,” she added. Soon after she finished speaking, a mob of Palestinians surrounded her family and began dancing with them, a scene that has repeated itself throughout the West Bank as Jewish settlers vacate, clogging the roads, something experts predict will make commerce in the area difficult for the next several weeks as the exodus continues.

After the log jam clears, investment and building in the new state of Palestine is expected to boom. The government is still searching for suitable contractors.

“After the Presbyterian Church (USA) divested from HP, Caterpillar, and Motorola, we were very grateful, but we never could have imagined this result,” Mohammad al-Uzri, a Palestinian resident of Nablus said. “Overnight, everything changed. What I would have thought would take several generations, inter-faith education, and gradual shifts in culture on both sides to accomplish, has now been achieved in a weekend. Allah and Jewish Voice for Peace be praised!”

Both governments announced the date of separation, July 4, will in both countries heretofore be known as “Reverse Naqba Day,” to be celebrated in Israel by wearing keffiyehs and other symbols of Palestinian identity while, in Jewish fashion, sitting on low stools and fasting to seek atonement for their nation’s many sins against the Palestinian people; in Palestine, the day will be celebrated with barbecues and special prayers. Customs on both sides of the border are expected to include making sizable donations to the Presbyterian Church (USA) for saving them.

Church officials say the money will go towards further peacemaking enterprises throughout the world. “Don’t worry, good people of Kashmir, we’re coming for you next,” they said.

Reactions in the US Jewish community have been mixed. Zionist Organization of America President Morton Klein was quoted as saying, “I’m a horrible, horrible person,” before running off never to be seen nor heard from again.

“So it turns out divesting from Israel was a better strategy than diplomacy and advocating for the rights of both sides after all. Who knew?” J Street President Jeremy Ben-Ami said in a statement fraught with the signs of a man in the midst of an existential crisis.

“Though we didn’t feel comfortable saying it publicly, I can now say we really wanted to see one binational state, though we accept this compromise,” Jewish Voice for Peace director Rebecca Vilkomerson said. “Sometimes you can’t get everything you want.”


UPDATE: Shortly after the two Prime Ministers spoke, fifty rockets fired from Gaza into southern Israel.



Derek M. Kwait graduated from the University of Pittsburgh and is editor in chief of New Voices.

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