For a kosher-keeper like me, Kosherfest 2013 was almost too good to be real. A huge room full of free food I can actually eat coming at me from every direction, the longer I stayed, the further my train of thought devolved to the level of a dog in a sausage factory: I see they’re making fresh latkes, I’ll have to check that out later. Chocolate? Why thank you, I’d love some! Pumpkin ravioli? Absolutely! They’re actually giving out whole containers of Greek yogurt?! Where!? Bourekas! How long do I have to stand here before you’ll give me some ice cream? Gefilte fish? Barf! I LOVE CHEESE!
But through the wild haze of Jews, food, and facon, I managed to keep my head on enough to take note of what I thought were the five best foods for campus, based on the following 4 criteria:
1. It tastes good
2. It’s easy to make
3. It’s practical
4. It really tasted good
I don’t know when or where these products are available or how much they will cost. All I know is that if you can find one them, you should definitely give it a try. And if you can score it for free, so much the better.
Dependable Foods Pizza Cones—Yes, that’s correct—pizza + cone= pizza cone. The thick cones come with vacuum-sealed cheesy pasta already inside, so all you have to do is throw it in the microwave and dinner is served. Perfect for treating a date. If she’s impressed, marry her.
Bruce Cost Ginger Ale—I used to think about the “ginger” in ginger ale the same way I thought of the “apple” in Apple Jacks or the “fruit” in Fruit by the Foot. Then my world was turned upside-down. This is real ginger ale, as in you can actually see the chunks of ginger settling at the bottom of the bottle. And it tastes incredible, like good Thai food, or like any ailment you’ve ever had or will have has just gone away. It’s expensive, but totally worth it for a special treat. Now if only they would work on the real ale part…
Runa Clean Energy Zero—This is the second beverage of the day that totally blew my mind. Have you ever noticed the difference between the way tea tastes and the way bottled or canned iced tea tastes is like the difference between a bowl of fresh fruit and Trix? Sometimes it takes an outsider to remind you just how bad the situation is, and that’s where guayusa comes in. Guayusa, one of my new best friends, is an Amazonian wonder-leaf that’s rich in antioxidants, packs as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, and actually tastes like tea. So if I need to wake up I now have a choice: I can either have a cup of coffee, which I hate the taste of, will almost inevitably burn my tongue on, and get virtually no nutrition from, or drink one bottle of this stuff that has no sugar, tastes great, will give me the same amount of energy, is at least kind of good for me, plus is fair-trade and organic-certified? That one, please.
Kinnikinnick Gluten-Free—It’s hip to be celiac. The gluten-free diet is so cool that many people who have no problem digesting gluten have jumped on the bandwagon just to make their digestive tracts too hip for glutenous protein deposits. But whether you’re celiac, a hipster, or just experimenting, this stuff is amazing. Having many gluten-free friends and working in a camp kitchen where a gluten-free option for each meal was mandatory, I can say that I have some experience with the food type, and I have seen little as realistic in texture or taste as this. Their grilled cheese tasted like grilled cheese, their donuts tasted like donuts, and their snozberries tasted like snozberries. So here’s the question: If you can’t tell the difference, is it still cool? These products are also nut and dairy free, so they’re sure to be a hit at any gathering of Jews.
Taft Vegetarian Seitan Gyro—I really miss gyros. I used to love a fresh gyro hot off a food cart, but since starting to keep kosher six years ago, I haven’t had one. I also don’t like seitan. For those not in the know seitan, a vegan red meat substitute is probably the third hippest food around right now after kale and anything gluten-free. Tofu is so 20th century. But in spite of my many gluten-free friends, I’m no so cool, so I can admit I don’t really like seitan, usually. But these gyros were the exception. Though it’s certainly possible my gyro senses are just dulled after not having had one in so long, after one bite, I was transported to a world where Athens can meet Jerusalem and everything is okay. They even have as close to the juice and grease of a real gyro as you could ever hope for in a vegetarian substitute, which admittedly isn’t a lot.
I should note that while the convention had meat, dairy, and parve foods, since I keep kosher and couldn’t stay very long, I pretty much had to pick one or the other. I chose dairy, meaning I couldn’t try any of the meat products. This wasn’t easy, either, since there was actually no separation between meat and dairy booths at the convention. You just have to pay attention. This might seem like a downer, but, in a deep way, it reminded me of why I keep kosher to begin with. In the midst of an orgy of permitted foods, having to consciously maintain the separation between dairy and meat forced me to exercise a degree of self-discipline and to think about what I’m putting into my mouth. That, I think, is a true form of the mindfulness kashrut is meant to inspire in us. While I went with the expectation of indulging myself, I left with a profound new understanding of why I put myself on a life path to get excited about going to something like Kosherfest to begin with. I sometimes wonder if the inventors of parve mac and cheese have ever had the same experience.
Derek M. Kwait graduated from the University of Pittsburgh and is editor in chief of New Voices.
