The Conspiracy

8 Things You Can Only Do After You Graduate

In yet another of Buzzfeed’s relevant and so-funny-cuz-it’s-true series of list-styled articles, staff writer Arielle Calderon wrote an article entitled “21 Things You’ll Never Do Again After Graduating College.” And while I wouldn’t say it’s one of Buzzfeed’s best articles (now, that would make an excellent list), it clearly hit home with a lot of Buzzfeed’s readers (would you say 90% are probably college students or recent grads?) as it’s one of the top articles on the site right now.

Personally, I only did about 5 things on that list even when I was in college, but then again I went to a fake college that’s more like high school (Stern College, I’m looking at you), so there’s that. My boss, on the other hand, pointed out that he’s done half the things on the list even since he’s been graduated, which made me realize: What are the top things that you only get to do once you’ve graduated college? And so we have this list, to encourage those poor sad babes who saw Calderon’s list and now dread graduating (silly pup!):

  1. Nap during the day.

    Bet you didn’t have a couch this comfy in your dorm room.

    Okay, you could do this in college, but whoever tells you that you can’t nap anymore after college is very bad at napping. Never have I spent more time in bed during the day than since graduating college, not counting my stint with mono. Where there is a bum’s will, there is a napping way.

  2. Come home and be done for the day. 

    This kid should be doing his homework. You don’t have to.

    No more procrastinating, because there’s nothing to procrastinate. You finish work, come home, and watch TV without the guilt of five papers hanging over your head. Or, you’re unemployed and watch TV all day. Or you’re in grad school, have 10 papers, and that’s just your own fault, because why oh why did you go do more schooling?

  3. Have a degree.

    It will take up wall space. And that’s about how useful it is to you now.

    Let’s be real. It’s the only reason to go to college. It’s not like you’re learning anything. So now you get to hang that shiny frame on your wall, fill it with the goods, and when you’re flipping burgers or scooping ice cream for the next few years, you can comfort yourself in the knowledge that you know more about sentence structure than the guy flipping next to you.

  4. Forget all about sentence structure. 

    Who gives a fuck?

    You make know more about sentence structure, but graduating means you don’t have to care about it anymore, unless you’re a huge dork like me who gets her thrills from catching errors in the tweets of highbrow media. No more pencils, no more books, no more commas and apostrophes and who versus whom. In fact, no more papers altogether. You’re free.

  5. Get paid.

    But you are getting paid!

    If you’re like my brother, you worked during college. But in between those hours of getting paid, you had classes and homework and papers and exams. Now you just get paid. All day long. Take a break to skim Facebook? You’re still getting paid. Take a dump? You’re getting paid for it.

  6. Sleep normal hours. 

    This doesn’t have to be you.

    It sounds pretty lame, I know, but sleeping normal hours is highly underrated. Pulling all-nighters has the glory of bragging rights—“Why, yes, I did just sleep for eight hours straight,” doesn’t sound nearly as good as “Whoo hoo dude, I just pulled an all nighter!”—but be honest, they kinda suck. And actually being able to stay awake without face-planting your laptop is a nice change of pace.

  7. Find out who you really like—and who likes you.

    Okay, I’m sure you’re all, like, just BEST FRIENDS. But in four years, you only have to talk to the ones you actually like.

    Not only are you done with cliques and fitting in and finding friends to sit with you at the cafeteria tables, but what seems like a downside of graduating—no longer living right next to all your BFFs—actually has a great benefit: you learn who you care about enough to stay in touch with.

  8. Get a car. 

    You brat.

    So I don’t know anyone who actually got a car upon graduating college, but I’m sure somewhere out there, some snobby rich kids get cars. And maybe that kid is you!

Fine, so this article has eight points and the Buzzfeed one has 21, but objectively our list is better. So there’s nothing to be afraid of or upset about. Be happy you’re graduating. This is the beginning of the rest of your life, and you can do whatever you want with it; there are no more required classes. Go nuts.

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