The Conspiracy

Dip the Matzoh in the (Parve) Chocolate

Now that Passover is over and we have 376 days to recuperate, it’s high time we make fun of that which is too real and dire to be funny during the holiday: the Passover snacks we swallow all too readily for 8 days a year. Our parents tell us all they had were those frightening jelly “fruit slices” back in their day, but then again they also walked uphill both ways to school so life sucked for them anyway. We, on the other hand, have an entirely new approach to Passover treats: Dip everything in chocolate. And not even good chocolate– it’s gotta be milk-free. The one food product that’s both tasty and kosher for Passover, the Jewish philosophy has quickly become to take every type of food—and we do mean every—coat it in chocolate, and bingo! The Jews will buy it, and even eat it.

For you, a roundup of the most horrifying dairy-free chocolate-covered snacks you would never eat if it weren’t for all the matza clouding your hazy logic:


Chocolate-Covered Almonds:

Sounds innocent enough, right? Look again. These almonds are less covered and more caked. Like an old woman trying to regain her youth through makeup, the logic here seems to be, layer it on and no one will notice what horror lies beneath.


Chocolate-Covered Jelly Rings:

Take something no one in their right minds would put in their mouths, cover it in something deceiving, and they’ll pop them like M&Ms. It works. I’ve seen it.


Chocolate-Covered Marshmallows:

It’s not that these snacks are bad. It’s that they’re so bad that you have to keep eating them to see if they get better with sugar high. The marshmallow here isn’t the fluffy treat of your childhood, but some nightmare, sticky version of it that only resembles it in color.


Chocolate-Covered Raisins:

Ah, the trick every child ever fell for—here, have some chocolate. Bite. And then the horror of discovering the mushy, healthy bit of raisin underneath. But after five or six days of eating fruit, dried fruit, and baked fruit, you’ll do anything for some sweetened variety—even eating this.


Chocolate-Covered Potato Chips:

In case you mixed some medical marijuana in your brownies flour-free fudge cake, these are the perfect dessert. Otherwise, I can’t imagine the temptation here. What will they think of next, chocolate-covered matzoh?


Chocolate-Covered Matzoh:




And that’s all, folks. Of course, there are many, many more chocolate-covered delicacies out there made kosher for Passover, but we’ll spare you the rest. Instead, get up, get out, and for God’s sake go eat some Oreos!


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