The Conspiracy

How to Be a Jew: A WikiHow Tutorial

Sure, it’s easy for a cat to do. [CC]

 With an article so deliciously titled, it’s hard to resist the opportunity to poke fun. In fact, a quick perusal of Wiki-How articles proves that the cynical world of journalism has not done nearly enough ridiculing of this website, a collection of life’s most mockable texts: how-to guides. In the name of proper responsibility, The Conspiracy will accept upon itself this most sacred of duties. Fortunately for us, this task was really done for us by the well-meaning folks at Wiki-How.

Below are some delectable morsels of wisdom on how to be a Jew, how to convert to Judaism, and yes—how to be Krusty the Clown. These are the top ten most ridiculous, humorous, entertaining tips from contributors worldwide. Let the mocking begin!

“#4: Sit your family down. After dinner would be a good time, as they are well fed, and presumably happy – and tell them you have something very important to discuss with them.”

Aside from the fact that if I tried that line with my family, they’d immediately suspect I was pregnant with the crack-addicted child of the owner of the strip club where I work when I pretend to go to my office job, I have never found post-dinner to be a good time to discuss anything. Maybe on 1950’s television it would be, but in real life, are mealtimes anything but stressful and rushed? And if so, your family is creepily perfect and will probably embrace your conversion with flower-strewn celebrations.

Oh, and the #1 step in this article points out that with conversion comes a loss of Easter and Christmas. Clearly the two most appealing aspects of Christianity are egg-hunts and presents—I mean, Jesus’ birth and rebirth. Which brings us to our next one:

“#2: Explain to non-Jews the stories of both Hanukkah and Christmas. Make sure they understand that presents have nothing to do with the holiday. Giving presents on Hanukkah is an American innovation that came from non-Jews, and Orthodox Jews don’t like that.”

First of all, deep. Second, since when don’t Orthodox Jews like that? This is news to me and all my Orthodox friends. I grew up on Hanukkah presents. Sure, we may not love outside influences, but you can revoke our Jew cards if we ever complain about free presents! This website is trying to spread poisonous ideas.

“#5: Dress appropriately. Stay away from outrageous fashions, jewelry, hairstyles, heavy makeup, and strong perfumes and after-shave lotions.”

Can someone circulate this tip to everyone? Especially middle-school boys and 80 year old women.

This one gets in simply for its title. Is this a common how-to that people are Googling? Is this something people ponder over tea? Do many Jews or aspiring Jews have the deep-seated desire to learn the steps of killing a cow for Kosher consumption? I know I’m content with having other people do that for me so I can get my meat wrapped up in a tidy little plastic-sealed non-bloody non-smelly pack of kosher beef. Yum.

The content of this article featured many types of singles groups, such as through the community or synagogue, although as an Internet how-to guide, the absence of online single forums was weird. I am seriously curious as to who would turn to Wiki-How for the 411 on finding a Jewish mate. Maybe JDate needs to up their advertising dollars.

“How to Be Like Krusty the Clown“:

“#2: It helps to be Jewish. If you’re not Jewish, that’s okay, but it helps to be Jewish! Krusty’s estranged father was a rabbi on The Simpsons, although he barely proves to be Jewish.”

Having never watched the Simpsons (I know, I know) I can’t even pretend to understand that last caveat, but it is good to know that Mr. Krusty was a fellow tribe-member. And that if I ever want to be like him, I have a head start.

  • “How to Date a Jewish Boy/Girl“:

“Jewish boys/girls make wonderful friends and are fun to be with. They love all the same things as all other boys/girls do.” [Well, that’s a relief. And I thought they just decorate their horns for fun.]

“Here’s what you need to know:

#5: Don’t take a Jewish boy/girl to a tattoo and body piercing studio. Judaism doesn’t allow “bodily mutilation” and they wont be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery.”

Oh darn. There goes that idea for my next surprise-while-blindfolded date. This tip is apparently more urgent to spread than the fact that, oh I don’t know, you might not want to take them to a seafood restaurant.

Well that’s just not a sentence.

(Step One: Be a Jewish woman. Step Two: Have a kid.)

“#5: Help your children with their homework, but don’t do it FOR them!”

Apparently the goyim all let their kids flounder. Helping your offspring understand the complexities of geometry is a purely Jewish-mom trait.

“Warnings: Jewish mothers are the worst when it comes to “nagging and complaining!””

I’m not sure if that’s another tip—Warning: If you want to be a Jewish mother you must nag and complain!—or just a fun fact.

Ah yes, the Internet’s solution to a question rabbis have been asking for centuries. Are you rubbing your hands together in anticipation? The four top steps, in order:

“#1. Go to a shul (synagogue) on Shabbat.
#2. Worship the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.
#3. Follow the Law of Moses, according to the tradition passed down to us through the Rabbis of the Talmud.
#4. Eat a latke.”

I can’t be sure where this prioritization comes from, but it would definitely comfort my parents to know that the thousands they spent on Jewish day school tuition could have been more aptly spent on some potatoes and a grater.

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