The Conspiracy

Is That a Lulav in Your Pocket…?

(CC via LocalsGuide)

Welcome back!

Here’s hoping your Yom Kippur was meaningful, your fast easy, and your shofar loud.

Over the next few days, Jews around the world will observe Sukkot, an agricultural festival. Many of us will construct a sukkah or booth structure, where we will eat, pray, sleep and yes, (some of us) even shtup. Though it may come as a surprise for some, it has been said that, ahem, “special happy alone time in the sukkah” with your significant other is actually a mitzvah. And coming off Yom Kippur, why not? After 26 hours of fasting from food, water, hygiene, even sex, Sukkot is as good a time as any to rekindle that flame with your mister or missus.

But wait! Did the High Holy Days leave you feeling a little droopy? Afraid to make the move for fear you’ll have more for which to atone? Never fear, your love doctors at New Voices are here. We’ve got a few ideas to help you shake the foundations of your Sukkah with love, love, love!

Mood Music

Every romantic evening needs music. And while we don’t have anything against “Shlomit Bona Sukkah,” it might not be best to snuggle up next to your special someone with, “Suddenly something wondrous will happen: all the neighbors will come, it will be a swarm – there’ll be room for everyone!” Nuh-uh. Instead, we turn to that great Talmudic scholar R. Kelly, who once spoke of “a romantic moonlight, like white clouds and blue skies.” And what could be more romantic than a moonlit dinner, complete with shaking lulav and Kelly’s own “Bump-n-Grind”?

Alternatively, you could listen to klezmer music. Oh yeah.

Food and Drinks

Need a Sukkot-themed drink to accompany your dinner? Try an etrog liquor (with a vodka base) for that festive Sukkah flair and the perfect accent to your intimate meal of fruits and veggies. Make sure you’ve squeezed in two ounces of grains! And leave room for pomegranates. These sexy fruits are a staple at Sukkot, and have long been recognized as an aphrodisiac in the Western World. Try feeding the bittersweet seeds to your significant other. For extra fun, you can count all 613 mizvot while you recline: “Mmmm, yeah, tell me why a mamzer can’t marry a daughter of Israel, baby!” (See also: naughty Jewish themed role-playing ideas, including but not limited to Mamzers and Daughters of Israel, the Meat and the Milk, etc.)

Fertility!

On Sukkot, it is traditional to recite blessings for growth and fertility. If the time seems right, turn down the R. Kelly and say a prayer. “Blessed are you Adonai, our God… who has chosen us from among all peoples, and exalted us above every tongue!” Nothing like religious exceptionalism to heat up the room; nobody will call you two the Frozen Chosen!

Also, think longingly of the Leviathan, the giant creature whose hide it is said will form the walls of Messiah’s sukkah at the appointed time. Nothing could be more sensual than the smell of a mythic dead fish — but that’s no excuse to serve shrimp scampi under the sukkah, no matter how much your significant other secretly likes Red Lobster.

Give into the Magic

If you follow these quick and easy steps, you should be well on your way to finding the ol’ romance once more. Sukkot is a time of fertility. Think of it as incumbent on your spirituality to give these tips a shot. Before you know it, you’ll be asking, “Is that a lulav in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Chag sameach!

Tags: , , , , ,

Comments are closed.

More in The Conspiracy (225 of 1603 articles)
Anne Hathaway Gets Hitched