“Hey, wanna come to Shabbat services with me tonight?”
I’ve been hearing that question a lot ever since I started school at Northwestern University. We have both Hillel and Chabad on campus (as well as a new group called Meor Northwestern), so there’s never a shortage of places to be on Friday night.
However, something always makes me say no.
Last summer, I participated in a program called Legacy Heritage Internships for Young Scientists (LHIYS), which brought thirty students from all over the U.S. to Israel in order to participate in scientific research and Judaic study. We were required to participate in morning prayers every day as well as attend Friday night and Saturday morning services.
I learned two things about myself that summer–first, that science is definitely not my calling (I’m a journalism major, which is just about as far away from science as you can get); and second, that I just don’t like praying. I tried reform services, conservative services, orthodox services, you name it. Because I don’t speak Hebrew, the prayers I’m told to say at services don’t really mean anything to me, and since I didn’t grow up in a religious family, I have no personal tradition associated with those prayers. No matter what type of service I go to, I feel uncomfortable and awkward reciting what sounded like gibberish to me.
Part of it might be the fact that these days I’m not even sure what my religious beliefs are. The idea of a traditional God goes against my sense of logic, but the idea that there’s nothing up there seems too simple. How else would you explain things like love, music, and the random appearance of life on Earth?
I’ve always been jealous of friends who tell me how refreshing and joyful it is for them to go to services every week. I wish I could feel that kind of connection. But maybe it’s time for me to accept the fact that I’m just not a religious person.
There are plenty of other ways to connect to Judaism. For instance, I love celebrating Jewish holidays with my family, and I’m always interested to know what Jewish scholars have to say about ethics and everyday life. I have yet to meet a rabbi who wasn’t full of fascinating insight.
Here’s one thing I know for certain–reciting words written thousands of years ago in a language I don’t understand doesn’t help me get closer to God, if there is one. I’ll just have to find another way.
hi … miriam might like to take a look at http://www.jewinthecity.com — it might address some of the issues she raised.
Truth: “reciting words written thousands of years ago in a language I don’t understand doesn’t help me get closer to God.” BUT, you can get closer to God, the God of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Isaiah and Elijah – the way they did – by TALKING TO HIM. He’s real. He’s there. He listens. And if you listen, you just might begin to hear Him talking back.
What does it mean to pray with words and ideas written thousands and hundreds and dozens of years ago (the Siddur actual contains many different periods of prayers, incorporating a lot of medieval views as well as modern)? How do I engage with a religion that seems strange, and yet has a continuous evolution of thought about God and continuous intellectual development covering many hundreds of volumes of writings? Is Judaism about praying to God or learning a method of living? Has the very idea about the nature of God evolved within the Torah? Is there anything worthwhile in Judaism that would justify embracing it as a way of life, along with its burdens? What does any of this have to do with me?
It seems to me these are questions that are worth exploring. Maybe these feelings of frustration should be cause for study and not dismissal. Too often, we let our emotions carry us away from something, because it’s the easier path.
Biblical Hebrew is a tough, tough language. Did you know it doesn’t have tense? It only has modes – the perfect and imperfect. It looks at action as either complete or incomplete, regardless of past, present and future. This seems to me an ideal characteristic of a language to speak of God.
“Praised are You God, our God, Ruler of the Universe, who makes me in his image” – Conservatives say this every morning, and I have no idea what it means. The meaning changes always as I try to fathom the unfathomable.
“Our days are as grass; / we flourish as a flower in the field. / The wind passes over it and it is gone, / and where it grew is no longer known.” Never in my study of language and poetry have I seen more effective and sublime concrete metaphors made up of the simplest everyday things.
Is the texture of a day better for having prayed and studied, even only a few minutes, than the texture of a day not ever having prayed and studied? This is a question I asked myself, and there was only one possible answer – yes.
Hi Miriam,
I totally agree with you that I don’t connect with or care much for traditional hebrew prayers. There are two things i would suggest to you though that have helped me immensely at the times I do choose to pray.
One is to follow the service in English. I find that when I read the English translation some of the prayers are truly beautiful almost like poetry and i find it much easier to connect as English is my first and basically my only language. Many of my teachers in my very orthodox school told me that this in fact was the best way to pray as one should preay and ask for things in whatever language felt most comfortable to them.
Another thing about praying it doesn’t have to be ritualized. When I watched the movie Ushpizin, several times throughout the movie the title character sits down and talks to G-D. I thought this was the greatest idea and whenever I have time I talk to G-D and ask him for what I need or what those who I care about need. I do this after I light candles every friday night too. It’s really nice if you happen to be in an empty synagogue as well.
These work for me and you may find that they help you forge a deeper spirirtual connection as well.
Wherever your Journey takes you best of luck.
Arielle–
I am completely shocked that you mentioned the movie Ushpizin, because in fact I JUST watched it today and was very affected by it for that exact reason. I thought the movie did a wonderful job of showing what it means to be Jewish. I’m glad you liked it too.
-Miriam